Dominant as Pygmalion

This piece of artwork, and indeed a lot of Michael Parkes' artwork, has a distinctive D/s feel to it.

While not readily apparent to many people I find much of his art speaks to me on that level, although I suspect that Mr. Parkes may simply be expressing the Pygmalion myth of artist as creator.

To me that speaks to the idea of dominant as creator; a creator who sculpts their images of relationship/sex/love/psychology onto his/her human medium. This is not to suggest that submissives/masochists/slaves are blank slates, but rather beautiful pieces of marble, clay, wood, or canvas with flaws and gifts that the sculptor uses to create something even more beautiful.

Maybe this is a lofty idea, maybe this is an unattainable goal, but I do know that after many years of submission I am certainly a much more attractive product.

The work of many dominants has left its mark on me, and I'm much closer to living at my real potential than I have ever been before. I've accomplished things and discovered hidden talents, sometimes reluctantly at first, things I can take pride in now .

(Cooking comes to mind!)

One of the main requirements I now have of a dominant partner is that they take an interest in my abilities and talents, and make it a priority to encourage and support my further growth. I think this is a great responsibility but one that is not too much to ask in exchange for my service, obedience, and loyalty.

No relationship street can take you far if it only goes one way.

I don't believe the artist, or the dominant, goes unchanged by their creative endeavours either. I'd like to think that they themselves grow and reach a greater potential through the efforts of their dominance.

Even a spanking can leave its marks, on both parties, physically as well as spiritually/emotionally...

Myths For Tripping Over...

There are countless myths floating around out there in big wide web land; myths propagated by chatrooms, forums and porn sites. Myths about how things really are, when in reality they really aren’t that way at all.

One of the myths newcomers to BDSM often get waylaid by is the myth that you can have an ongoing, deep, intense, master/slave relationship with a casual bed-buddy.

Sorry, but after 8 years I just don’t buy it.

As a submissive I’ve felt that burning need to kneel at someone’s feet and call them Sir, or Master, or High King Of My Universe; I’ve entertained my share of Grand Poobahs, hoping beyond hope that the two evenings a month they could spare would curb my yearnings.

I spent weekends believing I was someone’s slave and woken up Monday morning alone in my own bed, pissed off because they weren’t there to direct me until god-knows-when-they-got-horny-again.

This may not be a popular view, and perhaps somewhere out there, someone, somehow has managed to make a casual play partner into their Master but personally, short of stories I’ve heard online I haven’t seen it happen in real life.

Now if you’re talking about a little kinky role-play, or a little recreation to help you forget about that report you have due in less than a week, okay, maybe you can fashion yourself some kind of casual power exchange.

But I don’t believe that anyone can call themselves someone’s master/mistress if they’re only interested in a casual part time position.

Anyone wanting the job of mastering me has to be there for more than sex, more than getting their proverbial kinky rocks off. He has to care about more than orgasms – mine or his. He has to be there when the rejection letter comes, when the boss is unreasonable, when the dog/cat/gerbil dies.

So, the myth that someone can be a fulltime master/mistress and still maintain their emotional and or geographic distance seems unlikely to me.

Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps only some of us need the connection, the trust, the bond brought on by close consistent contact.

Maybe only some of us who have a slave heart need to know that their master/mistress is there, anytime we need them, that we count for more in their lives than their computer game or the next episode of American Idol.

Yes, I wholeheartedly accept that I don’t speak for everyone, but to me casual is not what a deep intense power exchange is about.

I’ve never succeeded in staying committed to anyone who can’t match me loyalty for loyalty.

So, go ahead and entertain those chat-room fantasies of a slave in every port, of a harem of slaves who languish prettily by their computer screens loyally awaiting your email or webcam presence.

Just don’t be surprised when you find out the begging is just a pretence, and the obedience is just a hollow promise.

For me, I’ll hand my collar over to someone who knows what a commitment it is to hold a leash; and isn’t afraid to step up to the task.

Somehow it’s just sweeter that way.

From The Past: Written 2001

I was surfing online and came across my first BDSM website. Here's a piece I wrote at the beginning of my exploration of BDSM:

The question that led me to research the world of BDSM and the psychology of submission is one that has been nagging at me for over 25 years.

WHY, at 15, had I provoked my first true love into spanking me...In public? I knew somehow deep inside that if he did, it meant that he loved me.

What a strange idea.

And yet, for no rational reason I could articulate, I wanted him to prove his love by controlling my bratty behaviour. It's not as though I wanted to be abused. It's not as though I came from an abused background and it was the only kind of love I recognized. It wasn't as if I was searching for an absentee father.

I just KNEW that if he cared, if he really, really, loved me, he'd take me over his knee in front of all those people and spank me.

He did.

I loved him wildly for 5 years, although we weren't together that long.

Looking back I know what it was I loved about him. I loved that he was strong. Determined. Not afraid to take control. Not willing to let ME control HIM. Not NEEDING me to be responsible for him.

I have always felt somewhat responsible for the world. A silly thing to be sure, but a powerful illusion anyway. If it rained on my friend's parade I felt it was my fault the sun had not come out. The universe just might not turn without me there to guide the orbits.

Many of us have this strange complulsion.

Most submissives are people who take on a great deal of responsibility. They are often strong and powerful people. They are leaders, people who are relied on by their friends, families and employers. People who are compelled to take control of a situation.

Of course this takes a strong person. But even strong people get tired. The universe is a heavy place to hold up after all.

At the very least you will find that most submissives excercise a great deal of control over their small part of the universe.

And this is the secret - for me at least - to my desire to be submissive.

For those moments in time when I am bound, when I have given that control over to someone else for awhile I am at peace. I am free. I am without responsibility for the world. Someone 'loves' me enough to take it off my shoulders. To let me fly.

In those moments, everything else falls away. There is nothing I need to do but follow where my Dom leads. There is nothing else I CAN do.

And that is a wonderful place to be...for awhile.

I don't want to be powerless in my life. And this is what a lot of people think being submissive means. I just want to have my power recharged. To take a respite and come back to the world just as strong and powerful as before.

So now I know it's not about abuse. It's not about weakness. It's about being strong enough inside to trust that I can put aside power for awhile and get it back when I'm ready.
Not so strange after all....

Why Ask Why?

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Some Moments Are Perfect...

"Give me your face."

::SLAP::

More Than Leather And Lace...

I was pondering the idea of rituals in M/f D/s relationships and started wondering why a fair amount of them seem to revolve around the submissive's appearance.

I suppose a lot of it revolves around the fact that so many men are visual and the way a woman dresses and does her hair can make a huge difference in his feelings towards her.

In so many long term relationships it seems the fire and sexual energy dies after a period of time and my guess is that so much of that comes down to the old adage about familiarity breeding contempt.

Moving in together (even just part-time living together) can play havoc on any relationship. So many of us greet our man in high heels and mascara at the beginning of the relationship, and then eventually start greeting them in flannel pants and t-shirts. It's often just a matter of necessity and convenience, and pretty unavoidable.

Lingerie that creeps up our backside, or fails to cover our bottoms, finds its way to the back of the drawer and we stop worrying that he'll see us in the comfy cotton ones our mom gave us for Xmas.

After a while those rarely comfortable push-up bras and bustiers only come out on special occasions, and as they things wear out - or stop fitting! - we find there are more serious things to spend money on.

So, one obvious reason for this apparent obsession with appearance is that when a male dominant takes charge of his submissive's appearance he is ensuring that his desire for her will stay fresh. He heads off the problem of her letting the visual stimulus fade, and if his tastes change he simply starts leading her her into his latest fantasy look.

This is only one aspect however. There are deeper layers around controlling such basic adult choices as what clothing to wear that can truly make a submissive feel she has given over power to the man she wishes to please.

There are also the delicious darker kinks of objectification that come from carefully orchestrated appearance choices.

She can become little more than a doll for him to dress, perhaps. Or he can turn her into a schoolgirl, a whore, or a french maid for a period of time, and she ceases to be his lover, his friend, his partner. She is now a new woman he can explore, make love to, abuse...whatever tickles his fancy.

Most males love variety when it comes to sex and poly is not for everyone.

These things that work so well for male dominants work for most female submissives, as well. Many of us enjoy the kink of being someone society doesn't let us be. We also love the loss of control we feel when faced with something as fundamental as losing the right to choose our underwear.

When a dominant makes a decision about these things the female submissive may find herself in a position all day long of being reminded of the D/s relationship.

Just ask any submissive who has worn some article of kinky clothing under her work clothes.

Hot, hot, hot.

I'm sure I'm only tapping the surface here, but there are very good reasons that these rituals are so attractive to those of us in the lifestyle. It's no wonder we instinctively lean towards them.

Myself included.

You're The Boss!

A very interesting question about submissives being required to give private fashion shows for their dominants was raised in the LowerMainland Lifestylers forum today.

This was my response:

As many submissives are exhibitionists I suspect this is a common playtime scenario. I enjoy both being told what to wear and getting opportunities to surprise my partners with my creative creations.

Gotta love dress-up time! Seeing that look of lust and possessiveness in a dom's eye is one of my favourite things.

BDSM has been great for my self-esteem in this regard, but my empty wallet and my bulging closet are not as happy.

There are so many ways to express dominance and submission in the world of D/s, but most of us become aware of it first through the internet and porn. So those new to D/s can be definitely forgiven for mistaken impressions that it's all about whips and chains. And sex, of course.

(Funny thing that so many males newly identifying as dominant believe blow jobs to be the number one thing guaranteed to make a submissive woman bow to his power. Coincidence or strange genetic encoding? But I digress...)

Yes, sensation play, pain, bondage and sex are all wonderful aspects we incorporate into D/s, but these things in themselves are not what makes someone dominant over another person.

The key, of course is in control and the ability to maintain a power dynamic that puts one partner firmly in the lead.

So many subtle, simple ways a dominant can exercises their control.

Clothing is one of them. Determining how your partner dresses is one way to exert definitive power over them. This can be done in small measures or large, of course, depending on individual tastes and preferences.

Personal hygiene is another. A common example is how many male dominants insist their female submissives keep clean-shaven, or fingernails long and polished.

Small daily routine things are an excellent way to create a seamless day-to-day sense of D/s without dragging out the "Kneel, Bitch" or cane every morning. Sometimes these are elaborate and thought-out, other times they grow naturally.

Titles are an extremely common way to do this, although it can be argued that this technique has been overdone. That's a debate for another post.

So much of what determines dominance is subtle and hard to describe. Tone of voice, natural demeanor, body language...

Without these aspects as an underlying foundation no amount of flogging or length of rope will make someone into a dominant.

I notice that the new MVK (Metro Vancouver Kink) group here in Vancouver has scheduled their official first workshop on December 1st and the title is Topping Without Tools.

Excellent choice!! I think rope bondage workshops and seminars on genital torture are absolutely necessary for safety and the development of varied and exciting scenes, but what's often missing is this basic prerequisite course. It may seem obvious that you don't need floggers and eye hooks from the ceiling in order to dominate, but sometimes the obvious gets overlooked.

As a submissive who has enjoyed the company of many new dominants I'm pleased to see this workshop in place. It's about time!

PS. In regard to the little graphic to the left, only a dummy pretends to know what they're doing when they haven't a clue.

Sure, I Whined But...

It's days like this when one appreciates a daddy dom.

For the last few months (and longer in reality) there's been several pressing issues in my life that I've only been willing to dabble my toes into the solution pool on.

One of them was some unavoidable, overdue, dental work.

I dread dental appointments, and have a long, bad history of discomfort and aggravation associated with them. This surprisingly causes me to avoid regular appointments, which in turn causes me to need to see a dentist, which in turn is uncomfortable, and starts the cycle all over again...

(Yes, I realize this is all hard to believe, and I'm the only person to engage in this self-defeating behaviour...)

Yesterday, it became painfully aware that this issue would be avoided no longer.

After a restless night complaining of a fairly sudden persistent toothache, I was informed by R., that even though we already had a full day ahead of us, dealing with the career issues I face, we were also going to see to solving this tooth issue.

Today.

He was determined I wouldn't spend one more night in pain, nor would he spend a second night sleeping on his couch in order to avoid disturbing my sporadic, pain-wracked sleep.

It seemed an impossible task, made even harder by my mixed emotions to his decree.

I dearly wanted to be free of this pain, but having no current dentist, and a limited dental plan I just didn't see how we could make any headway today.

Thanks to his unwavering sense of daddy-dom responsibility, (not to mention genuine concern over my discomfort), and a serendipitous reference from a friend, this afternoon found me in a dentist's chair, viable treatment options neatly set in place, and drugs in hand to make the short wait for the permanent solution more bearable.

Although I'm writing this while still slightly tripping on codeine, I'm very clear on one factor...

Without R.'s daddy dom concern and persistence I would still be suffering, and probably still struggling for a good solution.

I'm a pretty grateful little girl.

A grateful, non-pain-wracked, lucky little girl.

Now, off to try and recover from this codeine stone...

Happy weekend, all.

Child's Play

The Universe has a definite sense of humour.

Just when I’d pretty much figured that my days of enjoying Daddy/little girl play were past I find myself involved with a Daddy Dom.

Of course there are so many positive things about Daddy/little girl play. The nurturing, the moments of silly mischievousness, being read to…

A little girl could get used to such things.

::grin::

I suppose the only downsides I can see to Daddy/little girl play is the possibility of getting stuck in that single dimension of D/s.

I mean, I adore those moments of playfulness, and who doesn’t like being nurtured and pampered? But, is it something I could live with on a fulltime basis?

I think that's highly unlikely. I’ve never been all that one-sided as a person. I have many interests, many moods, and many surprisingly varied needs. Not to mention the sides to my personality I haven’t even begun to discover yet.

I’m not looking for a D/s relationship that traps me in one role. A relationship that casts me as only the Ingénue is going to leave a large part of me malnourished.

It’s not that I particularly see this happening with my present dom, it’s just that in the back of my mind I’m aware of the limitations of getting locked into one form of D/s interaction. I suppose I’m thinking of this now mainly because R. and I spent a good portion of our time this weekend involved in Daddy/little girl dynamics. It comes natural to us, and we seem to draw an inordinate amount of satisfaction from it.

I definitely enjoy letting my inner-child out to play.

But there’s also an inner-slavegirl, and a inner-kitty; not to mention some inners that haven’t been out to play yet.

::grin::

At the moment I don’t have any particular fear that those other sides of me will be neglected; I suppose I just felt the need to give them an opportunity to whisper I’m here, I’m here…

It’s tough being a complicated submissive…

But a whole bunch of fun too.

I like to think my dom agrees.

::contented sigh::

Sigh Of Relief...

Fences mended.

It was a lovely weekend together, as usual, and now I can get through the week looking forward to Rascals.

Yay!!

What's In A Title?

Sexploration brought up the subject of titles and how some people seem to just use them to refer to anyone and everyone they meet in the lifestyle.

Personally, I really don't like the easy way people throw around titles. It's up to them what they want to do of course, but for myself, I've chosen not to call anyone Mistress or Master on a whim. In fact, I've never used the title. Only once, for a very short time, did I even feel a strong pull to call a partner that, and although things did not pan out between us, I do know there was a huge significance in that. It never passed my lips, but at the time it seemed inevitable.

I don't even use sir unless they are someone I've played with, or someone I feel friendship and respect for as a dominant.

Actually, there is often for me a fairly significant moment in which I begin to refer to someone as sir. I'm almost always acutely aware the moment it sneaks past my lips. It signals to me the moment in which I have mentally - and usually verbally as well - agreed to submit to someone.

The other circumstances in which I may begin to use it is when I have known a dominant friend long enough to feel secure in my respect for them. Calling someone sir means I've acknowledged them as a dominant personality. And there will always be a measure of deference in my manner towards them, even if we never decide to play with one another.

Using sir can give me such delicious feelings of surrender, joy, safety, sexual tension, anticipation, nervousness...any number of wonderful intriguing emotions. It reminds me that I can be myself with that individual, expressing my submissive nature comfortably.

Why would I want to throw it around and have it lose that sweet power?

I don't.

After almost 8 years of this lifestyle titles have remained something I use with caution and respect, regardless of how others want to use them or not use them. It works for me, and that's what counts.

To Watch Or Be Watched...Is That The Question?

In her blog my gal pal J. brought up the subject of playing in public, and the issue of voyeurism…and it got me thinking…

Public play…so much fun whether you are watching or being watched. However, as many of my friends know, I'm not much of a voyeur. I guess I'm the greedy sort who would prefer to be the one playing.

Yes, you can call me an exhibitionist, even perhaps an attention-slut. Oh wait, if you know me you already have, haven't you? LOL

J.’s question was partly about whether those of us who play publicly are cognizant of the voyeurs in our midst, or oblivious to their presence.

My personal experience is that I’m almost always at least partly aware of the eyes of the crowd, and yes, it enhances the experience for me. I’ve experienced this same dual awareness while dancing, and I can trace that back to my childhood.

(You know the little toddler who performs every time a camera is pointed in her direction? Yes, that was me.)

I enjoy this aspect of public play. I enjoy the feeling I get from knowing I may be providing entertainment to anyone watching. It’s a heady feeling; a satisfying form of service, I suppose.

I’m pretty sure this is not the same for everyone but it’s certainly my experience.

I’ve never thought to ask my play partners whether they are aware that my attention is being split between them and the audience, but now that I think about it, that would be an interesting conversation.

Food for thought, J., thanks.

Blogging For Him

It’s been a long time since I’ve been required to journal for someone. And, given that this D/s relationship is new and it’s still too early to predict where we intend to go with it, I can’t even say I know what I’m feeling about this return to active submission.

It’s long overdue, I think. I’ve missed having someone in my life who takes such an active interest in my well-being. I think for me that’s a lot of what submission is about; answering to the nurturing presence of another.

A strong male other.

He appears to be someone with a kind heart, a serious sense of humour, and a nice lack of tentativeness. This is very refreshing in someone who is relatively new to domination. Very sexy, as well.

It’s been a busy summer for me and so some of this developing D/s relationship has happened long distance.

Ironic really, seeing as he actually lives closer to me just about anyone I’ve dated.

I think the D/s in our relationship developed quite naturally, and maybe even caught us both a little by surprise, although he did know he was seeking a submissive woman when we met.

I’m not sure if he thinks he got more than he bargained for…

::laughing::

Naturally I’m looking forward to exploring where this is going to go but I’m a bit anxious as well.

It seems to be my fate to meet dominants who are new to active D/s, and the teacher in me is not easily suppressed.

How do I not make the same errors in judgement I’ve made before? How do I let him find his own style of domination and still communicate enough of what I need to be sure my own needs are met at the same time?

How do I resist influencing his domination subconsciously as I attempt to move towards a state of emotional transparency? How do I let go of the human desire to arrange things to suit my own needs and wants?

It’s a lot to think about.

The good news is, he is an easy man to talk to, to share with, and so perhaps we can avoid this pitfall together?

Time will tell.

Meanwhile I’m glad I heard his voice tonight, being a whole continent apart right now is tough. And yet, this New York trip has been so wonderful. I’m enjoying every minute of it…

Especially when I can boot up my laptop at the end of the day and share my daily adventure with someone who’s company I enjoy every bit as much as I suspected I would the night we met.

Now, off to bed, I have a museum to conquer tomorrow and possibly thunderstorms as well.

What happened to summer?

Not As I Want...As I Need...

Someone asked a good question on the collarme forum site today about why a dominant would ask a sub to do things the sub doesn't like to do. She wondered if this meant subs were always considered inferior and their wants and desires were not important.

This was my response:

If my dominant required me to do only easy things - things I liked and wanted to do - then it just wouldn't feel like they were actually in power. I like to feel that I am truly stepping outside of my own wants and desires, truly submitting to their wants and desires.

I love it when a dominant is strong enough and secure enough in our dynamic to push me this way. It takes confidence and a strong will, and those are very sexy traits in my eyes.

This has nothing at all to do with inferiority; it's about expressing the power dynamic. And it certainly isn't about a sub's needs and wants being unimportant. I need to give up my own agenda, my own wants in order to feel completely fulfilled.

Making me do something I don't want to do reassures me that my needs and wants as a submissive are not only understood by my dominant but valued as well.

Submitting to easy things is easy; you don’t even have to be a sub to do it. It’s submitting to the hard things that challenge me and make me proud of my submissive nature. It’s then that I feel the heady sensation of loss of control and the deepest state of subspace.

I think it can easily be overdone, but that's where communication and empathy come in. It's like everything else in D/s, variety and spice is what makes it delicious.

Words To Sigh For...

But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man,
Thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

~ Shakespeare, Sonnet CXLI

Pass The Rope, Please!

It’s amazing what fun can be had with a little soft white rope and some leather cuffs.

And it's kinda funny how tying yourself up while someone watches lustfully can be as evocative as holding out your wrists in passive surrender.

Ironic too, that after years of having gags as a hard limit, I felt it imperative to slip a length of the rope into my own mouth.

It just felt right somehow. Especially after seeing the grin spread across his face...

(Mmmmm...)

Sometimes a little bit of soft bottoming can unexpectedly bring out the sub in me…

Can’t complain about hearing the words good girl again either.

::contented sigh::