You're The Boss!

A very interesting question about submissives being required to give private fashion shows for their dominants was raised in the LowerMainland Lifestylers forum today.

This was my response:

As many submissives are exhibitionists I suspect this is a common playtime scenario. I enjoy both being told what to wear and getting opportunities to surprise my partners with my creative creations.

Gotta love dress-up time! Seeing that look of lust and possessiveness in a dom's eye is one of my favourite things.

BDSM has been great for my self-esteem in this regard, but my empty wallet and my bulging closet are not as happy.

There are so many ways to express dominance and submission in the world of D/s, but most of us become aware of it first through the internet and porn. So those new to D/s can be definitely forgiven for mistaken impressions that it's all about whips and chains. And sex, of course.

(Funny thing that so many males newly identifying as dominant believe blow jobs to be the number one thing guaranteed to make a submissive woman bow to his power. Coincidence or strange genetic encoding? But I digress...)

Yes, sensation play, pain, bondage and sex are all wonderful aspects we incorporate into D/s, but these things in themselves are not what makes someone dominant over another person.

The key, of course is in control and the ability to maintain a power dynamic that puts one partner firmly in the lead.

So many subtle, simple ways a dominant can exercises their control.

Clothing is one of them. Determining how your partner dresses is one way to exert definitive power over them. This can be done in small measures or large, of course, depending on individual tastes and preferences.

Personal hygiene is another. A common example is how many male dominants insist their female submissives keep clean-shaven, or fingernails long and polished.

Small daily routine things are an excellent way to create a seamless day-to-day sense of D/s without dragging out the "Kneel, Bitch" or cane every morning. Sometimes these are elaborate and thought-out, other times they grow naturally.

Titles are an extremely common way to do this, although it can be argued that this technique has been overdone. That's a debate for another post.

So much of what determines dominance is subtle and hard to describe. Tone of voice, natural demeanor, body language...

Without these aspects as an underlying foundation no amount of flogging or length of rope will make someone into a dominant.

I notice that the new MVK (Metro Vancouver Kink) group here in Vancouver has scheduled their official first workshop on December 1st and the title is Topping Without Tools.

Excellent choice!! I think rope bondage workshops and seminars on genital torture are absolutely necessary for safety and the development of varied and exciting scenes, but what's often missing is this basic prerequisite course. It may seem obvious that you don't need floggers and eye hooks from the ceiling in order to dominate, but sometimes the obvious gets overlooked.

As a submissive who has enjoyed the company of many new dominants I'm pleased to see this workshop in place. It's about time!

PS. In regard to the little graphic to the left, only a dummy pretends to know what they're doing when they haven't a clue.