Quit Whining!

It's just not like it used to be... In the good old days when things meant something... Back in the days of The Old Guard... In the best European Houses of BDSM...

I read the Fetlife, Collarme, and Alt forums for a reason. They help me stay in the local loop, give me opportunities to learn something new almost everyday, and they inspire me to write. But some days I just want to scream Quit your damn whining!

If you don't like the way others play in the sandbox then get your own sandbox, or turn your back on them and play with someone else. It's a skill you were supposed to master in kindergarten.

BDSM is about exploring your own unique, individual style of loving, of sexual expression, of thrill-seeking, of interacting with other adults. It's not an exclusive club where you have to conform, or play by the management rules. Unless you're at a public event and then you agree to the rules by being there and need to hold to that for the sake of preventing chaos and anarchy, or worse yet the indignity of getting bounced on your ass.

Whining is non-productive and un-sexy. Whining does not make for good dominant form, nor does it make an intricate slave-girl serve more seductive. Cut it out. Now.

If you want to see good things happen in your online or local BDSM community then go out and do good things. It just might make things a little nicer out there in Alternative Lifestyle Land. Meanwhile, cut the complaining about other people's relationships, scenes, or rope/corset/paddle choices. Live and let live.

Thank you for listening to this little bit of rabid ranting, and please, continue on with what you were doing.

Nothing more to see here, folks.

It's Just A Fad...

In the Fetlife forum today we had a discussion about whether we would still be interested in kink if it were in the mainstream, as an accepted norm of social/sexual behaviour. The poster wondered about the concept of some people jumping into a kink lifestyle mainly because of its social stigma.

In the 1980's the media claimed that people eager to jump on the latest cool fad might be the cause of the sudden "rise" in people identifying as bisexual or gay.

It was also said that many people were identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered in order to gain attention or punish their families. It was also theorized that it was a sign of anti-social behaviour, or just a phase in most cases.

These claims were no more valid about sexual orientation then, as they are about BDSM now, which, for some of us, is also a sexual orientation, as well as a personality trait.

Sure, it’s easier to get involved now then it has ever been and that likely means more people who are curious will be likely to experiment. But to say people are seeking gay or kinky relationships because they want to be cool, radical, or antisocial is a narrow, perhaps reactionary, view.

More people appear to be gay and/or kinky now simply because more people are finding it easier to come out of their closets and admit who and what they are. For many people - and in many countries - the consequences are no longer so formidable. More and more people are finding that it’s easier to accept and seek fulfillment of their true needs than it is to live with the discomfort of denial.

As for whether it would change my kinky nature…Nope, not a chance. As many said before me on the forum, I am who I am; that’s not going to change. I believe I was born with this genetic predisposition and I'm happy with the cards I was dealt.

Do I wish the lifestyle were more accepted? Absolutely! I hate hiding who I am, it’s exhausting and annoying to have to have your guard up about such a large part of your life.

Do I wish more people would jump on the kink bandwagon? Absolutely! More kinksters means more choice of play partners and relationship potential.

All in all, I’m content with how the lifestyle is gaining acceptance, and I’m content with the ease in which information about munches and parties can be found. The internet and the concurrent rise of public events have made my life socially active, and emotionally satisfying. I’m happier now than I have ever been.

As for being kinky in general, this is the genetic hand I was dealt, and I see no reason to complain. Your mileage may vary.

What's The Opposite Of Jealousy?

Here's a very well-written article about compersion.

The article is not affiliated in any way with the book you see pictured here; but both have some excellent insights on jealousy and how to cope with it in open relationships. I very strongly suggest that anyone who is interested in re-defining monogamy in their relationships read this book.

As a matter of fact I believe that if a couple takes the time to read this together and share their thoughts openly as they do so, then 75% of the issues they might face in opening their relationship can be avoided.

Yes, it's that helpful!

To Watch Or Be Watched...Is That The Question?

In her blog my gal pal J. brought up the subject of playing in public, and the issue of voyeurism…and it got me thinking…

Public play…so much fun whether you are watching or being watched. However, as many of my friends know, I'm not much of a voyeur. I guess I'm the greedy sort who would prefer to be the one playing.

Yes, you can call me an exhibitionist, even perhaps an attention-slut. Oh wait, if you know me you already have, haven't you? LOL

J.’s question was partly about whether those of us who play publicly are cognizant of the voyeurs in our midst, or oblivious to their presence.

My personal experience is that I’m almost always at least partly aware of the eyes of the crowd, and yes, it enhances the experience for me. I’ve experienced this same dual awareness while dancing, and I can trace that back to my childhood.

(You know the little toddler who performs every time a camera is pointed in her direction? Yes, that was me.)

I enjoy this aspect of public play. I enjoy the feeling I get from knowing I may be providing entertainment to anyone watching. It’s a heady feeling; a satisfying form of service, I suppose.

I’m pretty sure this is not the same for everyone but it’s certainly my experience.

I’ve never thought to ask my play partners whether they are aware that my attention is being split between them and the audience, but now that I think about it, that would be an interesting conversation.

Food for thought, J., thanks.

Poly Pondering

Been thinking a little more about the polyamoury thing after a philisophical discussion with Vaughan last night.

Communal living, shared work and fun, varied sex partners, all the attention and love you need. Enough for to go around for everyone... It's a wonderful concept...much like communism and democracy are both wonderful concepts.

Humans, being what we are, tend to find all kinds of ways to screw up wonderful concepts though, don't we? Seems to be quite a collective hobby of our species.

That being said, I'd be willing to follow my dominant into the fray if he felt we could make it work, with my usual optimistic brand of scepticism.

Poly?

I'm very intriqued now with all the options this poly stuff offers.

Naturally, like most people who are into this, I'm hoping we'll find some warm, affectionate, likeminded friends we can share more than just playdates with.

We know people in the lifestyle, it's just that managing everyone's schedules seems so daunting a task.

Lots of We should definitely get together and do that! but no easy answer to the question "When?"

Oh well, in its own time...