It's Just A Fad...

In the Fetlife forum today we had a discussion about whether we would still be interested in kink if it were in the mainstream, as an accepted norm of social/sexual behaviour. The poster wondered about the concept of some people jumping into a kink lifestyle mainly because of its social stigma.

In the 1980's the media claimed that people eager to jump on the latest cool fad might be the cause of the sudden "rise" in people identifying as bisexual or gay.

It was also said that many people were identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered in order to gain attention or punish their families. It was also theorized that it was a sign of anti-social behaviour, or just a phase in most cases.

These claims were no more valid about sexual orientation then, as they are about BDSM now, which, for some of us, is also a sexual orientation, as well as a personality trait.

Sure, it’s easier to get involved now then it has ever been and that likely means more people who are curious will be likely to experiment. But to say people are seeking gay or kinky relationships because they want to be cool, radical, or antisocial is a narrow, perhaps reactionary, view.

More people appear to be gay and/or kinky now simply because more people are finding it easier to come out of their closets and admit who and what they are. For many people - and in many countries - the consequences are no longer so formidable. More and more people are finding that it’s easier to accept and seek fulfillment of their true needs than it is to live with the discomfort of denial.

As for whether it would change my kinky nature…Nope, not a chance. As many said before me on the forum, I am who I am; that’s not going to change. I believe I was born with this genetic predisposition and I'm happy with the cards I was dealt.

Do I wish the lifestyle were more accepted? Absolutely! I hate hiding who I am, it’s exhausting and annoying to have to have your guard up about such a large part of your life.

Do I wish more people would jump on the kink bandwagon? Absolutely! More kinksters means more choice of play partners and relationship potential.

All in all, I’m content with how the lifestyle is gaining acceptance, and I’m content with the ease in which information about munches and parties can be found. The internet and the concurrent rise of public events have made my life socially active, and emotionally satisfying. I’m happier now than I have ever been.

As for being kinky in general, this is the genetic hand I was dealt, and I see no reason to complain. Your mileage may vary.

On Erotic Photography

I'm not sure I've mentioned how much I enjoy fetish photography. I haven't had much of a chance to be the one behind the camera yet, but it's something I have every intention of getting involved in, when the right opportunity arises.

In an erotic photography forum on Fetlife, the question came up as to what people felt about the photography experience. Was it just about the pretty photos, or did it have a more fetishistic appeal to them.

Personally, I get turned on by having erotic photos taken, part of my exhibitionist streak, I imagine. Oddly enough, I don't particularly enjoy seeing the photos themselves. I never look as sexy as I feel, and that frustrates me. The image in my head is never the image that stares back at me when the shoot is done.

As for taking photos, I don't think I'm turned on by it. If I am, I've not been aware of it. I enjoyed the creative process in much the same way as I enjoy taking any photos. In rare instances I do find some of the finished photos to be a bit of a turn on, though. In general I think my mind is too focused on critiquing the work to experience any titillating effects.

It was a very interesting question, I'd never considered it before. I'm sure I'll have clearer answers once I have more experience behind me.

I'm A Cow

I'm A Cow. Enjoy!

But They Said I Was A Slave...

In one of the Fetlife groups we've been talking about how newcomers should go about learning about the lifestyle.

This is a common discussion point, and one I find difficult to ignore. No matter how many forum groups I've been on, and how many times a newcomer to BDSM asks for guidance, I just can't help feeling responsible for putting my view out there.

Too many otherwise intelligent, experienced people find themselves completely thrown into an emotional crisis when they step into the BDSM ring. Too much, too fast, and too many predators looking for fresh meat.

I don't say this to scare anyone off. If someone has urges toward any aspect of BDSM I encourage them to seek their bliss.

But there are pitfalls, and far too many newcomers sprain an ankle or worse as they rush headlong onto the proverbial playground that is the world of BDSM.

Personally I don't like to see people rushing into power exchange relationships when they haven't even yet explored their own interests and have a better sense of what they want for themselves.

Too often newcomers jump eagerly into the deep end, declare they're a slave because some dom/me in a chat-room said they were and they're left floundering when they realize they don't know how to swim.

Too often once they begin to drown that chat-room dom/me disappears, having told them they were a lousy slave/sub/bottom, for failing their master/mistress, and the newcomer is left suffering a self-image crisis, wondering how it all happened.

I've seen some pretty competent people destroyed by this kind of recklessness, and it's tough to convince them to pick up the pieces and continue to seek their bliss after such a blow.

My advice? Take it slow, very slow! Walk before you run, read before you play, and treat it like a journey. Keep your eyes and ears open and learn everything you can from every source available to you. No one person has all the answers, and no one has all the answers that are perfectly right for you.

We're all individuals, and responsible for finding our own unique way. There are maps, and there are some awful good Sherpas to help you along the way, but in the end the journey is yours, and the destination is up to you.

Just call me Sherpa-Cinful.

24/7 D/s: Unicorn or Horny Horse?

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Starting Off On The Right Foot

The question of how to initiate new enthusiasts to BDSM came up in a post on the Alt forum, BC Moderated. I’d like to address it in more detail here since it’s both an important subject, and one in which I had a fair bit of good luck at the start of my own journey.

Weeks before engaging in any actual play, my first dominant and I sat together at his computer and looked at a collection he had of fetish pictures. Not extreme stuff, just things representing light bondage, spanking, gags, clothespins on nipples, etc. We talked about my reaction to each photo, and I was encouraged to rate them in terms of interest, and to share any concerns or misgivings I had about each activity.

This was an excellent way to start because I had to learn to express my concerns and interests openly and honestly. This is an important skill many adults lack when it comes to relationships and sex, and it was made easier by the understanding that I was not committing myself to jumping in right away.

He also used this time to teach me a little about the dangers inherent in such things as bondage and wax-play, as these subjects came up. This built not only a good foundation of knowledge for me right from the beginning, but also instilled in me the important lesson that bottoms need to be educated. We’re every bit as responsible – and more - for our well-being and happiness as our dominants, but some people sadly learn that the hard way.

This lesson has served me well, time and time again.

This technique (which in many ways was just about building a habit of good clear communication) also created a strong sense of trust and security. I came to believe that he knew what he was doing and was concerned for both my mental and my physical health and safety.

Through these discussions he got a sense of where to start, and could more effectively plan scenes and introduce me to new activities with confidence that I wouldn’t suffer morning-after regrets, a very unpleasant thing for all parties.

I think it's also extremely important to note that experienced players should always attempt to aid novitiates in separating erotic fantasy from reality. Newbie’s often fantasize about such things as mummification or extreme CBT, but that doesn't mean they actually know they'll enjoy it. Lots of folks aren’t aware of their triggers until something sets them off, and when this happens in the early stages of a person’s discovery it can negatively affect their future enjoyment of BDSM.

My first dominant believed that if a scene left the sub wanting more, as opposed to being grateful it was over or bored of repetition, than he considered it a success. Eagerness for the next session creates a valuable dynamic for both parties. And that’s something that happens through careful attention on the part of the dominant, good communication on part of the sub, and trust on both sides.

Hey, Wench!

One thing I'd like to try is serving as a wench at a dinner party. You know, the old-fashioned, getting-pinched-on-the-butt, pouring ale, pushed-into-a-lap, having-your-ass-slapped kind of good time.

Anyone up to organizing a dinner party?

Pillow Seduction

Seriously, my pillow has a problem...

Yes Frank, There Is An Easter Bunny!

Had a great time at Rascals last night.

Took the seasonal cues and dragged out my bunny ears and an adorable little pink basket (complete with pink boa details) and played Easter Bunny.

The little chocolate eggs went fast.

Later R. and I spent some time on the dungeon floor where this naughty bunny got her little tail smacked.

R: How can I spank you while you wear this fluffy tail? I don't want people getting upset about cruelty to animals, after all.

Bunny: It's okay, 'cause I've been a naughty bunny!

R. and I are rarely serious when we play. We just tend to feed off each other's humour too easily. We always have. In the past, with other partners, I've found humour can interrupt my slide into sub-space but that doesn't seem to happen with R.

Perhaps it's our playful daddy/little girl dynamic, or the fact that I'm at a point where I can be comfortable with mild brat play. Maybe it's both, I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it's fun to play without seriousness and still feel that wonderful floating sensation that accompanies hair-pulling, ass-swats, breast-paddling, and other divine nastiness.

Last night was the first time I ever had my face-slapped in public play, as well. It was pretty awesome, let me tell you!

::grin::

All in all it was one of those truly fun nights at Rascals, one that combines D/s play with social time, and cuffs with fluffy tails and fluffy ears...

::hums a perverted few bars of These Are A Few Of my Favourite Things...::

It was a great way to start off an eleven day holiday. Especially one that consists of doctor's appointments and a college math assessment...

Think mathematical thoughts my way for Thursday, folks...I need all the support I can get.

Happy Easter...

Why Ask Why?

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More On Why We Do What We Do...

The curious Dom-to-be wrote back, thanking me for giving him something to think about and mentioning his trouble with the idea of slavery. His comment was that he is inclined, as a young American, to think of slavery in terms of his country's history, and he wondered how people can justify giving up liberties in this day and age.

He was also concerned that he had offended me with his previous email.

This was my response:

Not to worry. I didn't find your email offensive at all. I think you simply hold all the usual reservations and concerns a sane, caring individual would, given that they had little or no knowledge of BDSM.

Good books to read include SM101 by Jay Wiseman, and The Loving Dominant by John Warren. Be wary of what you read online by people who only have chatroom/online experience.

One way to look at the "master/slave" mentality of this lifestyle is to realize that we are not talking about the non-consensual slavery of your country's past. D/s resembles more a type of responsibility Feudal Lords had for the well-being of their peons, or the type of behaviour espoused by the bible when referring to an ethical "Master of The House".

As to why any sane adult would put themselves in the position of being submissive to someone else's will, one simply has to look at human nature. Many of us take great pleasure in catering to other's needs, whether in a Florence Nightingale sense, a Mother Theresa sense, or in a Buddhistic/Zen mindset.

Also, do not forget that humans are pack animals and like wolves tend to seek their standing in the pack to ensure survival. Some temperments are better suited to an Alpha lifestyle, while others feel more comfortable as followers.

In return for these perceived sacrifices the submissive personality should expect that the alpha they bond to will take their well-being into consideration and make decisions that will ensure a happy, healthy relationship for both parties.

Naturally this is all too complex to go into in greater detail here, but I do hope it has given you some small insight and perhaps renewed enthusiasm for exploring this lifestyle.

Take care.

Finding Your Level

I received an email today from someone who'd taken an online test about dominance I'd created on another site.

Although admittedly uneducated about BDSM, he was concerned that my test was skewed towards people who were more likely abusive or tyranical by nature.

He also made a comment that it was his understanding that BDSM was all about kinky sex and not oppression.

::sigh::

It was an intelligent and concerned email from someone who was obviously eager to explore this lifestyle, so I felt moved to reply.

This is my response:

Thanks for your feedback. After 7+ years in my local BDSM community I'm pretty clear on the differences between abusers/tyrants and dominants.

Naturally all D/s should revolve around consideration for a partner's needs and feelings, and consent is the number one rule. However, there are many levels of D/s and some people do enjoy pushing the power exchange to the extreme. It works just fine for them, as long as they have a partner who is also inclined towards more intense D/s.

In my relationships I've encountered many dominants, like yourself, who enjoy it on a play level, and for many of them the stronger elements of D/s just don't sit well. I've also been involved with someone I would term a slave-master and many things were all-or-nothing with him when it came to obedience. It was intense and beautiful. Whether it would have suited me long-term I can only quess.

The joy of BDSM is that you can take it to whatever level you and your partner enjoy. There are no rules...except consent and do no harm.

As for your comment about BDSM being all about kinky sex, this is only true for a certain percentage of people in the lifestyle. Some people do equate their desires with kinky sex, but for some of us it is definitely about how we shape our relationships, and can apply to such daily mundane things as who does the dishes, and whether or not they rent a particular movie. It can very much resemble a Lord/Lady-of-the-manor and servant dynamic. This is an individual decision and based on the individual's desires, needs, and the reality of the daily grind.

For most of us things tend to fluctuate back and forth between those poles, and sometimes it's hard to tell between the two. If you like I'd be happy to point you in the direction of some good reading on the subject.

Good luck on your journey. I'm sure it will bring you joy.

Although this person was honest and open to learning I do find many people, even those who have experience, still cling to the misconception that BDSM is primarily about kinky sex.

It's a myth that may never die, given our society's preoccupation with anything sexual.

At any rate, I was glad this person sought out some clarification and hope I added food for thought to his kink diet.

What's In A Title?

Sexploration brought up the subject of titles and how some people seem to just use them to refer to anyone and everyone they meet in the lifestyle.

Personally, I really don't like the easy way people throw around titles. It's up to them what they want to do of course, but for myself, I've chosen not to call anyone Mistress or Master on a whim. In fact, I've never used the title. Only once, for a very short time, did I even feel a strong pull to call a partner that, and although things did not pan out between us, I do know there was a huge significance in that. It never passed my lips, but at the time it seemed inevitable.

I don't even use sir unless they are someone I've played with, or someone I feel friendship and respect for as a dominant.

Actually, there is often for me a fairly significant moment in which I begin to refer to someone as sir. I'm almost always acutely aware the moment it sneaks past my lips. It signals to me the moment in which I have mentally - and usually verbally as well - agreed to submit to someone.

The other circumstances in which I may begin to use it is when I have known a dominant friend long enough to feel secure in my respect for them. Calling someone sir means I've acknowledged them as a dominant personality. And there will always be a measure of deference in my manner towards them, even if we never decide to play with one another.

Using sir can give me such delicious feelings of surrender, joy, safety, sexual tension, anticipation, nervousness...any number of wonderful intriguing emotions. It reminds me that I can be myself with that individual, expressing my submissive nature comfortably.

Why would I want to throw it around and have it lose that sweet power?

I don't.

After almost 8 years of this lifestyle titles have remained something I use with caution and respect, regardless of how others want to use them or not use them. It works for me, and that's what counts.

To Watch Or Be Watched...Is That The Question?

In her blog my gal pal J. brought up the subject of playing in public, and the issue of voyeurism…and it got me thinking…

Public play…so much fun whether you are watching or being watched. However, as many of my friends know, I'm not much of a voyeur. I guess I'm the greedy sort who would prefer to be the one playing.

Yes, you can call me an exhibitionist, even perhaps an attention-slut. Oh wait, if you know me you already have, haven't you? LOL

J.’s question was partly about whether those of us who play publicly are cognizant of the voyeurs in our midst, or oblivious to their presence.

My personal experience is that I’m almost always at least partly aware of the eyes of the crowd, and yes, it enhances the experience for me. I’ve experienced this same dual awareness while dancing, and I can trace that back to my childhood.

(You know the little toddler who performs every time a camera is pointed in her direction? Yes, that was me.)

I enjoy this aspect of public play. I enjoy the feeling I get from knowing I may be providing entertainment to anyone watching. It’s a heady feeling; a satisfying form of service, I suppose.

I’m pretty sure this is not the same for everyone but it’s certainly my experience.

I’ve never thought to ask my play partners whether they are aware that my attention is being split between them and the audience, but now that I think about it, that would be an interesting conversation.

Food for thought, J., thanks.

Lost Virginity

What goes down well after a good flogging and some rope bondage among friends?

Silk scarves and slings, of course!

The party at Raven’s Retreat was a great way to cool down after a hot day of bbq-ing among fellow kinksters.

Or is that heat up?

Nothing cold about an evening in the dungeon.

My friend E. gave me a good solid flogging. I used it to help shed some of the yucky stress I’ve been carrying around the last few weeks. It was pretty cathartic and I allowed myself to accept the few tears that came to my eyes.

And then there was rope work - just for fun.

::grin::

I’ve been bantering with Silky for a long time now about finally experiencing silk scarf bondage, and AJ was kind enough, after helping me get over my fear of getting into a sling, to run and fetch him so that promise could be fulfilled.

(I think I must have fallen out of a hammock as a child. I’ve always been so nervous of the things!)

I now love slings, and want to do a scene in one very soon!!

(Would not say no to more silk bondage either!)

What a nice way to spend the weekend!

You Know It Was A Good Party When...

...you wake up in the morning and find your bra on the living room floor, among a tangle of ropes.

Okay, so that was the after-party…

::sighs happily::

I need to practice tying a rope harness on myself. Even though I had wonderful eager hands to help me last night, I’d like to be able to do a simple one by myself. The exhibitionist in me thinks it could be good fun to perfect that trick.

I digress, naturally. Who can blame me?

It was fabulous fun to crowd up my small apartment with spontaneous visits from A., M., and D. It was worth the last minute hustle to get the place ready, and I do think everyone enjoyed themselves.

J., and L., brought some delicious wines and I admit I indulged freely.

The only thing I might do differently next time perhaps is bring out the ropes before people leave. I’m willing to bet this crowd would find it impossible to resist indulging in a little after-dinner game of tie-up-the-hostess. And of course the hostess wouldn’t feel right unless she shared with her guests. There's enough rope to go around, after all.

Which reminds me perhaps the spanking bench…errr living-room ottoman should be kept clear at all times…in case of a spanking emergency.

(I’m just saying, it could happen…)

Good food, good wine, good friends…and rope.

Heaven, I tell you, pure heaven!

There was talk of a fondue night here, maybe this weekend, and we’ll be firming up the plans on that very quickly.

I was thinking I should declare my house a clothing-optional zone, but maybe it’s best to institute the new house rule after fondue night. Fondue being one of the very few activities that does not go better with nudity, I’m afraid.

I really think I need to consider hostessing more often. My place may be small but all that means is people have to be willing to get a little closer, that’s all.

It’s all good!

Pass The PVC, Please!

There’s a forum discussion on KinkBC at the moment about whether anyone enjoyed wearing their fetish gear in public.

Fetish wear outside of kink events? Absolutely.
I don't think it's an exhibitionist thing for me though.

(I emphatically deny being an exhibitionist, no matter what you may hear. Lies, all lies!)

To be honest fetish wear just makes me feel sexy, and it feels like a natural thing for me to be wearing.

As a teen I tended towards sexier clothing, pretty unusual for girls my size at that point in time. It was very discouraged, large girls couldn’t even find basic clothing to fit easily, let alone fashionable or sexy stuff. It was a source of definite frustration for me.

We also tended to be told No one wants to see that on a large girl. And that was just in reference to tank tops, shorts, and bathing suits.

(How screwed up is that?)

I spent many years after that being a tomboy, but the desire for sexier, more feminine clothing was just lurking beneath the surface. The moment sexy, fashionable clothing became available in my size, I became quite a clothing whore.

In the past few years I’ve become a girly-girl, rarely seen out in pants, let alone the overalls of my past.

Most recently I’ve discovered a craving for tight, corset-style wear and fishnet. Luckily some less-revealing corset-type tops are designed for street wear. My heart is happy; my wallet and closet beg to differ with me.

Do I have a desire to push the limit and get really fetted out and go grocery shopping? No, not really. But sometimes my street clothes just seem far too boring for a coffee out with friends, or a casual dinner at a restaurant.

Who knows, maybe the day will come when my fet wardrobe and my day-wear will merge.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

To Thine Own Self Be True...

As someone who never has (and never will) live up to any fashionable definition of beauty, I long ago learned to find my beauty in many diverse ways and through that, the unique beauty that exists in every individual.

As LeatherTbird notes, it's no coincidence that the fashion and beauty industries choose to idolize a physical standard that only reflects about 3% of the population. After all, how better to ensure a large market for your products?

If, indeed the majority of us were happy with our looks we would not desperately throw away money to change the way we look, and so, money is to be found only by first creating a desire for change, and then by offering, at great cost, ways to strive to reach that unreachable ideal.

More and more, as I exercise my artistic eye through my photography I expand my concept of beauty. One of my favourite photos taken just days ago is of a homeless man sleeping on a bench in the rain.

The strength of will it must take for someone to stay alive in such appalling living conditions far outshines the un-groomed hair and grubby mis-matched clothes. There is, in such strength and in such vulnerability, a stunning example of what humans are made of.

That is truly what I call beautiful.

Beauty is not in wearing a certain size, or having a particular shade of hair. Beauty is not in the shape of your breasts, or the number of inches to your penis.

It's not muscle definition, skin tone, eye colour or a lack of scars or wrinkles...

Truly, beauty is in how you feel about life, what you do about life, and about how you move through each precious moment you have.

The most amazing thing about beauty is not that it resides in the eye of the beholder, as we so often blithely quote, but that it resides in the heart of the believer.

When we finally believe in our own beauty then suddenly those around us will believe in it too.

Such belief is like rich soil to a plant. It nourishes and encourages continual growth and well-being.

Our sense of beauty is a garden that we must tend and maintain. But not through hair dyes, make-up and plastic surgery. Through good deeds and good attitudes, through good friends and good living…

The title of this blog post is of course, a Shakespeare quote from Hamlet...and as I begin, so I'll end...with another quote from the same play.

What a piece of work is man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals! - Act II, Scene II.

Believe...

Pass The Rope, Please!

It’s amazing what fun can be had with a little soft white rope and some leather cuffs.

And it's kinda funny how tying yourself up while someone watches lustfully can be as evocative as holding out your wrists in passive surrender.

Ironic too, that after years of having gags as a hard limit, I felt it imperative to slip a length of the rope into my own mouth.

It just felt right somehow. Especially after seeing the grin spread across his face...

(Mmmmm...)

Sometimes a little bit of soft bottoming can unexpectedly bring out the sub in me…

Can’t complain about hearing the words good girl again either.

::contented sigh::

Yummy Surprises...

What a lucky little 'toy' I am.

T.R. surprised me with a homemade door bondage device, all painted black and looking sharp and nasty with beautiful silver fittings.Once he had me securely at his mercy, he pulled out a brand new crop...The old one is getting 'limp' and we've been talking about getting a new one.

He snuck off while I was at work and picked one up because he wanted to surprise me. He really knows how to make his 'toy' smile.