From The Past: Written 2001

I was surfing online and came across my first BDSM website. Here's a piece I wrote at the beginning of my exploration of BDSM:

The question that led me to research the world of BDSM and the psychology of submission is one that has been nagging at me for over 25 years.

WHY, at 15, had I provoked my first true love into spanking me...In public? I knew somehow deep inside that if he did, it meant that he loved me.

What a strange idea.

And yet, for no rational reason I could articulate, I wanted him to prove his love by controlling my bratty behaviour. It's not as though I wanted to be abused. It's not as though I came from an abused background and it was the only kind of love I recognized. It wasn't as if I was searching for an absentee father.

I just KNEW that if he cared, if he really, really, loved me, he'd take me over his knee in front of all those people and spank me.

He did.

I loved him wildly for 5 years, although we weren't together that long.

Looking back I know what it was I loved about him. I loved that he was strong. Determined. Not afraid to take control. Not willing to let ME control HIM. Not NEEDING me to be responsible for him.

I have always felt somewhat responsible for the world. A silly thing to be sure, but a powerful illusion anyway. If it rained on my friend's parade I felt it was my fault the sun had not come out. The universe just might not turn without me there to guide the orbits.

Many of us have this strange complulsion.

Most submissives are people who take on a great deal of responsibility. They are often strong and powerful people. They are leaders, people who are relied on by their friends, families and employers. People who are compelled to take control of a situation.

Of course this takes a strong person. But even strong people get tired. The universe is a heavy place to hold up after all.

At the very least you will find that most submissives excercise a great deal of control over their small part of the universe.

And this is the secret - for me at least - to my desire to be submissive.

For those moments in time when I am bound, when I have given that control over to someone else for awhile I am at peace. I am free. I am without responsibility for the world. Someone 'loves' me enough to take it off my shoulders. To let me fly.

In those moments, everything else falls away. There is nothing I need to do but follow where my Dom leads. There is nothing else I CAN do.

And that is a wonderful place to be...for awhile.

I don't want to be powerless in my life. And this is what a lot of people think being submissive means. I just want to have my power recharged. To take a respite and come back to the world just as strong and powerful as before.

So now I know it's not about abuse. It's not about weakness. It's about being strong enough inside to trust that I can put aside power for awhile and get it back when I'm ready.
Not so strange after all....