Starting Off On The Right Foot

The question of how to initiate new enthusiasts to BDSM came up in a post on the Alt forum, BC Moderated. I’d like to address it in more detail here since it’s both an important subject, and one in which I had a fair bit of good luck at the start of my own journey.

Weeks before engaging in any actual play, my first dominant and I sat together at his computer and looked at a collection he had of fetish pictures. Not extreme stuff, just things representing light bondage, spanking, gags, clothespins on nipples, etc. We talked about my reaction to each photo, and I was encouraged to rate them in terms of interest, and to share any concerns or misgivings I had about each activity.

This was an excellent way to start because I had to learn to express my concerns and interests openly and honestly. This is an important skill many adults lack when it comes to relationships and sex, and it was made easier by the understanding that I was not committing myself to jumping in right away.

He also used this time to teach me a little about the dangers inherent in such things as bondage and wax-play, as these subjects came up. This built not only a good foundation of knowledge for me right from the beginning, but also instilled in me the important lesson that bottoms need to be educated. We’re every bit as responsible – and more - for our well-being and happiness as our dominants, but some people sadly learn that the hard way.

This lesson has served me well, time and time again.

This technique (which in many ways was just about building a habit of good clear communication) also created a strong sense of trust and security. I came to believe that he knew what he was doing and was concerned for both my mental and my physical health and safety.

Through these discussions he got a sense of where to start, and could more effectively plan scenes and introduce me to new activities with confidence that I wouldn’t suffer morning-after regrets, a very unpleasant thing for all parties.

I think it's also extremely important to note that experienced players should always attempt to aid novitiates in separating erotic fantasy from reality. Newbie’s often fantasize about such things as mummification or extreme CBT, but that doesn't mean they actually know they'll enjoy it. Lots of folks aren’t aware of their triggers until something sets them off, and when this happens in the early stages of a person’s discovery it can negatively affect their future enjoyment of BDSM.

My first dominant believed that if a scene left the sub wanting more, as opposed to being grateful it was over or bored of repetition, than he considered it a success. Eagerness for the next session creates a valuable dynamic for both parties. And that’s something that happens through careful attention on the part of the dominant, good communication on part of the sub, and trust on both sides.