Finding Your Level

I received an email today from someone who'd taken an online test about dominance I'd created on another site.

Although admittedly uneducated about BDSM, he was concerned that my test was skewed towards people who were more likely abusive or tyranical by nature.

He also made a comment that it was his understanding that BDSM was all about kinky sex and not oppression.

::sigh::

It was an intelligent and concerned email from someone who was obviously eager to explore this lifestyle, so I felt moved to reply.

This is my response:

Thanks for your feedback. After 7+ years in my local BDSM community I'm pretty clear on the differences between abusers/tyrants and dominants.

Naturally all D/s should revolve around consideration for a partner's needs and feelings, and consent is the number one rule. However, there are many levels of D/s and some people do enjoy pushing the power exchange to the extreme. It works just fine for them, as long as they have a partner who is also inclined towards more intense D/s.

In my relationships I've encountered many dominants, like yourself, who enjoy it on a play level, and for many of them the stronger elements of D/s just don't sit well. I've also been involved with someone I would term a slave-master and many things were all-or-nothing with him when it came to obedience. It was intense and beautiful. Whether it would have suited me long-term I can only quess.

The joy of BDSM is that you can take it to whatever level you and your partner enjoy. There are no rules...except consent and do no harm.

As for your comment about BDSM being all about kinky sex, this is only true for a certain percentage of people in the lifestyle. Some people do equate their desires with kinky sex, but for some of us it is definitely about how we shape our relationships, and can apply to such daily mundane things as who does the dishes, and whether or not they rent a particular movie. It can very much resemble a Lord/Lady-of-the-manor and servant dynamic. This is an individual decision and based on the individual's desires, needs, and the reality of the daily grind.

For most of us things tend to fluctuate back and forth between those poles, and sometimes it's hard to tell between the two. If you like I'd be happy to point you in the direction of some good reading on the subject.

Good luck on your journey. I'm sure it will bring you joy.

Although this person was honest and open to learning I do find many people, even those who have experience, still cling to the misconception that BDSM is primarily about kinky sex.

It's a myth that may never die, given our society's preoccupation with anything sexual.

At any rate, I was glad this person sought out some clarification and hope I added food for thought to his kink diet.