Anxiety Rears Its Ugly Head...

Wow, only been back to work a week and my anxiety level is through the roof.

Freaked out about the upcoming year and whether I'll land up unemployed and unemployable by June. I know somehow things will work out, they always do, but I sure feel like I'm about to find myself up the creek without the proverbial high-powered outboard motor...or even a damn paddle.

Politics are a bitch.

The powers that be have decided they want me to upgrade my credentials since I’ve been in the field so long that my old papers are pretty much parchment.

This is something they’ve been harping on for a few years now, but try as I might I can’t see myself getting thousands of dollars into debt to take a course I could teach in my sleep. I’m already in more debt than I ever expected to be because in 2005 they decided to place me on part-time in order to save themselves a few hundred dollars. They likely saw no financial gain from that decision and I end up owing Visa a few thousand dollars.

Can you say, Screw me?

Now they look at me blankly when I say there’s just no way I can afford to go back to college. The fact that they’ve made it impossible for me to afford it escapes them totally, even though I was very direct in explaining the situation.

(Something that was hard on my pride and ego…)

I’m greeted with the unwavering response of Well, if you aren’t enrolled in the program by January it’s unlikely we can re-hire you.

A decision not brought on by licensing requirements. A decision brought on by administrative coldness, and perhaps a bit of schadenfreude.

Nice way to show how much they appreciate all the years I’ve put heart and soul into helping deaf children and their families achieve their dreams.

You know, they say following your passion can make you blind and stupid.

I guess I’m a textbook example.

All I wanted was a modest career where I could love my work and make a small difference in the lives of a few people…but here I am, looking at starting over from scratch at 48 years old with nothing much to show for all my years of hard work and dedication.

Ah well, I have little choice but to trust in The Universe. Answers will come in time, I suppose.

Add this to being completely broke after my NY trip and my inability to dredge up the courage to approach my boss for a small advance. She’s less approachable than usual due to the stresses of a new school year starting and I have no energy to enter that lion’s den.

Hmmm, toss in some regret over eating movie theatre popcorn last night. Something I almost never do, but given the stresses of the week, I caved. There goes a whole week of healthy eating.

::sigh::

I’m not sure why I’m even writing about this as it’s not my nature to write such negative and personal things in my online blog.

Maybe it’s partly because I’m trying not to focus on how I disappointed my dominant yesterday.

Nothing so serious we can’t talk it through, I believe. As close as I can figure it was brought on by a failure on my part to inform him of a change in plans; a mixture of several exhausting days of stress and fatigue and a miscalculation about the casual nature of a time commitment.

(Seems it was less casual then I took it to be.)

I do take the blame, I’m sure the misunderstanding was all on my part. It’s not like I’ve been thinking all that clearly the last few evenings.

I have every reason to believe things will work out fine but if we know anything at all about submissive personalities it’s that they beat themselves up harder than any dominant could.

Okay, time to stop typing before this sounds like some poor attempt at gathering leniency through sympathy.

Hmmm, seems I’m in a dramatic mood today. Ugh.

Okay, off to shower and head off to mend fences.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I’m sure going to try to.