Free Advice For The Newly Dominant

So, you want to be a dominant? Okay, one simple but very important piece of advice from a sub's POV:

DO NOT BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW!

Go slowly and introduce new rules a little at a time, on a trial basis.

Long lists of rules will become hard to manage as a dominant, and hard to adjust to as a sub. Do not forget that grown adults are not given to blind obedience, so tread slowly and thoughtfully.

If you take on too much, you’ll end up struggling to enforce rules or forgetting the rules, or failing to notice when one has been broken. This can cause resentment on the part of the sub and stress on the part of the dominant.

If you fail to notice - and attend to - transgressions you will not earn your sub’s trust or respect for you in this role. Remember, this is not just about sub obedience; it’s about you setting up situations where your sub can succeed. You should both feel good about the rules being followed.

Be sure to discuss rules as you implement them, and explain why you think it’s important to put it into place. If you can’t easily clarify it, then re-think it. WHY establish the rule if it has no purpose?

This doesn’t mean the rule has to always be easy for the sub to follow. On the contrary, subs should be challenged to push themselves a bit; it brings a sense of accomplishment. It’ very rewarding for someone with a submissive personality to sacrifice things for their dominant. But pace yourselves, make the sacrifices count. Celebrate them.

Every body and every relationship is unique. You don't know how rules are going to work on a practical level, until you’ve put them in place for a bit, so you need the freedom and flexibility to revoke/rearrange rules as you try them out. Your sub’s input is invaluable in this regard. This is a partnership, no matter what titles you use.

More is not better when it comes to rules and routines. More is usually just cumbersome to juggle. Build the path to a D/s relationship one brick at a time and both parties should feel a sense of satisfaction.

And, in the words of Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata:

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You will make mistakes, you’ll have to say I’m sorry…But so will your sub. You’re both human after all, and this path takes courage on both sides. If you can’t accept these two things right now, then don’t begin this journey. You’ll only end up with regrets and resentments.

A good D/s relationship is dynamic and beautiful and strong, but it’s work, just like any relationship. Grab your dominant ovaries - or cajones – and rise to the challenge.

It’ll be worth it, in the end.