A Little Cinful

No More Updates Here...

2008-08-07T17:39:00.000-07:00

To Fish Or Not To Fish...

2008-07-25T16:08:00.001-07:00

http://cinful.wordpress.com/2008/07/25/to-fish-or-not-to-fish-vanillas-the-question/

Quit Whining!

2008-07-18T16:18:00.001-07:00

It's just not like it used to be... In the good old days when things meant something... Back in the days of The Old Guard... In the best European Houses of BDSM...

I read the Fetlife, Collarme, and Alt forums for a reason. They help me stay in the local loop, give me opportunities to learn something new almost everyday, and they inspire me to write. But some days I just want to scream Quit your damn whining!

If you don't like the way others play in the sandbox then get your own sandbox, or turn your back on them and play with someone else. It's a skill you were supposed to master in kindergarten.

BDSM is about exploring your own unique, individual style of loving, of sexual expression, of thrill-seeking, of interacting with other adults. It's not an exclusive club where you have to conform, or play by the management rules. Unless you're at a public event and then you agree to the rules by being there and need to hold to that for the sake of preventing chaos and anarchy, or worse yet the indignity of getting bounced on your ass.

Whining is non-productive and un-sexy. Whining does not make for good dominant form, nor does it make an intricate slave-girl serve more seductive. Cut it out. Now.

If you want to see good things happen in your online or local BDSM community then go out and do good things. It just might make things a little nicer out there in Alternative Lifestyle Land. Meanwhile, cut the complaining about other people's relationships, scenes, or rope/corset/paddle choices. Live and let live.

Thank you for listening to this little bit of rabid ranting, and please, continue on with what you were doing.

Nothing more to see here, folks.

Missing Daddy...

2008-07-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

I miss R.

Being on holiday visiting the family is always nice. I get along great with my family and enjoy my time with them. (Very lucky that way...) Staying at my parents always felt like being at a hotel. Good food, great bed, all the amenities of a 5 star place. Nice change from looking after myself 24/7.

But this time feels different. I'm miss being tucked in at night, miss being R.'s little girl.

We talk every evening before bed but it's not the same as having him sit on the edge of the bed, tuck the sheets around me, and kiss me good-night. I truly feel like a little girl, all safe and sound.

A little girl just needs her daddy, I guess.

It's Just A Fad...

2008-07-08T18:45:00.000-07:00

In the Fetlife forum today we had a discussion about whether we would still be interested in kink if it were in the mainstream, as an accepted norm of social/sexual behaviour. The poster wondered about the concept of some people jumping into a kink lifestyle mainly because of its social stigma.

In the 1980's the media claimed that people eager to jump on the latest cool fad might be the cause of the sudden "rise" in people identifying as bisexual or gay.

It was also said that many people were identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered in order to gain attention or punish their families. It was also theorized that it was a sign of anti-social behaviour, or just a phase in most cases.

These claims were no more valid about sexual orientation then, as they are about BDSM now, which, for some of us, is also a sexual orientation, as well as a personality trait.

Sure, it’s easier to get involved now then it has ever been and that likely means more people who are curious will be likely to experiment. But to say people are seeking gay or kinky relationships because they want to be cool, radical, or antisocial is a narrow, perhaps reactionary, view.

More people appear to be gay and/or kinky now simply because more people are finding it easier to come out of their closets and admit who and what they are. For many people - and in many countries - the consequences are no longer so formidable. More and more people are finding that it’s easier to accept and seek fulfillment of their true needs than it is to live with the discomfort of denial.

As for whether it would change my kinky nature…Nope, not a chance. As many said before me on the forum, I am who I am; that’s not going to change. I believe I was born with this genetic predisposition and I'm happy with the cards I was dealt.

Do I wish the lifestyle were more accepted? Absolutely! I hate hiding who I am, it’s exhausting and annoying to have to have your guard up about such a large part of your life.

Do I wish more people would jump on the kink bandwagon? Absolutely! More kinksters means more choice of play partners and relationship potential.

All in all, I’m content with how the lifestyle is gaining acceptance, and I’m content with the ease in which information about munches and parties can be found. The internet and the concurrent rise of public events have made my life socially active, and emotionally satisfying. I’m happier now than I have ever been.

As for being kinky in general, this is the genetic hand I was dealt, and I see no reason to complain. Your mileage may vary.

HNT - Cooling Down

2008-07-03T20:41:00.000-07:00

Been a warm and busy day. I almost missed HNT!

Free Advice For The Newly Dominant

2008-07-02T12:08:00.000-07:00

So, you want to be a dominant? Okay, one simple but very important piece of advice from a sub's POV:

DO NOT BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW!

Go slowly and introduce new rules a little at a time, on a trial basis.

Long lists of rules will become hard to manage as a dominant, and hard to adjust to as a sub. Do not forget that grown adults are not given to blind obedience, so tread slowly and thoughtfully.

If you take on too much, you’ll end up struggling to enforce rules or forgetting the rules, or failing to notice when one has been broken. This can cause resentment on the part of the sub and stress on the part of the dominant.

If you fail to notice - and attend to - transgressions you will not earn your sub’s trust or respect for you in this role. Remember, this is not just about sub obedience; it’s about you setting up situations where your sub can succeed. You should both feel good about the rules being followed.

Be sure to discuss rules as you implement them, and explain why you think it’s important to put it into place. If you can’t easily clarify it, then re-think it. WHY establish the rule if it has no purpose?

This doesn’t mean the rule has to always be easy for the sub to follow. On the contrary, subs should be challenged to push themselves a bit; it brings a sense of accomplishment. It’ very rewarding for someone with a submissive personality to sacrifice things for their dominant. But pace yourselves, make the sacrifices count. Celebrate them.

Every body and every relationship is unique. You don't know how rules are going to work on a practical level, until you’ve put them in place for a bit, so you need the freedom and flexibility to revoke/rearrange rules as you try them out. Your sub’s input is invaluable in this regard. This is a partnership, no matter what titles you use.

More is not better when it comes to rules and routines. More is usually just cumbersome to juggle. Build the path to a D/s relationship one brick at a time and both parties should feel a sense of satisfaction.

And, in the words of Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata:

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You will make mistakes, you’ll have to say I’m sorry…But so will your sub. You’re both human after all, and this path takes courage on both sides. If you can’t accept these two things right now, then don’t begin this journey. You’ll only end up with regrets and resentments.

A good D/s relationship is dynamic and beautiful and strong, but it’s work, just like any relationship. Grab your dominant ovaries - or cajones – and rise to the challenge.

It’ll be worth it, in the end.

On Erotic Photography

2008-06-29T17:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure I've mentioned how much I enjoy fetish photography. I haven't had much of a chance to be the one behind the camera yet, but it's something I have every intention of getting involved in, when the right opportunity arises.

In an erotic photography forum on Fetlife, the question came up as to what people felt about the photography experience. Was it just about the pretty photos, or did it have a more fetishistic appeal to them.

Personally, I get turned on by having erotic photos taken, part of my exhibitionist streak, I imagine. Oddly enough, I don't particularly enjoy seeing the photos themselves. I never look as sexy as I feel, and that frustrates me. The image in my head is never the image that stares back at me when the shoot is done.

As for taking photos, I don't think I'm turned on by it. If I am, I've not been aware of it. I enjoyed the creative process in much the same way as I enjoy taking any photos. In rare instances I do find some of the finished photos to be a bit of a turn on, though. In general I think my mind is too focused on critiquing the work to experience any titillating effects.

It was a very interesting question, I'd never considered it before. I'm sure I'll have clearer answers once I have more experience behind me.

HNT - Pink

2008-06-26T19:08:00.000-07:00

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday, everyone!

I'm A Cow

2008-06-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

I'm A Cow. Enjoy!

Dominant as Pygmalion

2008-06-22T12:26:00.000-07:00

This piece of artwork, and indeed a lot of Michael Parkes' artwork, has a distinctive D/s feel to it.

While not readily apparent to many people I find much of his art speaks to me on that level, although I suspect that Mr. Parkes may simply be expressing the Pygmalion myth of artist as creator.

To me that speaks to the idea of dominant as creator; a creator who sculpts their images of relationship/sex/love/psychology onto his/her human medium. This is not to suggest that submissives/masochists/slaves are blank slates, but rather beautiful pieces of marble, clay, wood, or canvas with flaws and gifts that the sculptor uses to create something even more beautiful.

Maybe this is a lofty idea, maybe this is an unattainable goal, but I do know that after many years of submission I am certainly a much more attractive product.

The work of many dominants has left its mark on me, and I'm much closer to living at my real potential than I have ever been before. I've accomplished things and discovered hidden talents, sometimes reluctantly at first, things I can take pride in now .

(Cooking comes to mind!)

One of the main requirements I now have of a dominant partner is that they take an interest in my abilities and talents, and make it a priority to encourage and support my further growth. I think this is a great responsibility but one that is not too much to ask in exchange for my service, obedience, and loyalty.

No relationship street can take you far if it only goes one way.

I don't believe the artist, or the dominant, goes unchanged by their creative endeavours either. I'd like to think that they themselves grow and reach a greater potential through the efforts of their dominance.

Even a spanking can leave its marks, on both parties, physically as well as spiritually/emotionally...

TGI - HNT!

2008-06-19T20:32:00.001-07:00

See, I told you there wasn`t a corset strong enough to hold them aloft! So, when you don`t have any friends at hand you make do with your own...

::cheeky grin::

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

Just Because It`s Too Beautiful For Words...

2008-06-19T18:47:00.000-07:00

A Totally Tuesday Rant....

2008-06-18T19:35:00.001-07:00

Yes, I know it's Wednesday, but gosh-dang-it, I never got a moment yesterday to check into fetlife to see what new prompts came up.

So here's my rant...a day late but just as full of rant-y goodness.

I really, really hate that it's impossible to find a corset that makes my boobs stand straight out like some iron chest plate on an operatic Valkyrie.

Just once I'd like to be able to rest my ample chin on my equally ample bosom and know that if I turn around I'm in danger of putting someone's eye out.

Now, my boobs are not small, they're not perky. I'm still arguably perky at the fine age of almost-fifty but my boobs weren't perky past my thirteenth year, I suspect.

(A moment of silence for my lost perky-boobed-youth...)

I try in vain but everything I do fails. Gravity wins, and the little pink exclamation points on the over-padded paragraphs that compose my mammary endowment still gaze, in great timidity and humility, at the floor.

::sigh::

Cursed, I tell you...I'm cursed.

Cursed with the gift of ample breast-hood.

Science and Engineering can defy gravity in space; it can mount upside-down Xmas trees in hotel lobbies - well, one hotel in my city did, anyway - but they can't make my boobs stand tall and proud.

It's a mystery.

If only Mae West were still around...I bet she'd know the answer.

Myths For Tripping Over...

2008-06-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

There are countless myths floating around out there in big wide web land; myths propagated by chatrooms, forums and porn sites. Myths about how things really are, when in reality they really aren’t that way at all.

One of the myths newcomers to BDSM often get waylaid by is the myth that you can have an ongoing, deep, intense, master/slave relationship with a casual bed-buddy.

Sorry, but after 8 years I just don’t buy it.

As a submissive I’ve felt that burning need to kneel at someone’s feet and call them Sir, or Master, or High King Of My Universe; I’ve entertained my share of Grand Poobahs, hoping beyond hope that the two evenings a month they could spare would curb my yearnings.

I spent weekends believing I was someone’s slave and woken up Monday morning alone in my own bed, pissed off because they weren’t there to direct me until god-knows-when-they-got-horny-again.

This may not be a popular view, and perhaps somewhere out there, someone, somehow has managed to make a casual play partner into their Master but personally, short of stories I’ve heard online I haven’t seen it happen in real life.

Now if you’re talking about a little kinky role-play, or a little recreation to help you forget about that report you have due in less than a week, okay, maybe you can fashion yourself some kind of casual power exchange.

But I don’t believe that anyone can call themselves someone’s master/mistress if they’re only interested in a casual part time position.

Anyone wanting the job of mastering me has to be there for more than sex, more than getting their proverbial kinky rocks off. He has to care about more than orgasms – mine or his. He has to be there when the rejection letter comes, when the boss is unreasonable, when the dog/cat/gerbil dies.

So, the myth that someone can be a fulltime master/mistress and still maintain their emotional and or geographic distance seems unlikely to me.

Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps only some of us need the connection, the trust, the bond brought on by close consistent contact.

Maybe only some of us who have a slave heart need to know that their master/mistress is there, anytime we need them, that we count for more in their lives than their computer game or the next episode of American Idol.

Yes, I wholeheartedly accept that I don’t speak for everyone, but to me casual is not what a deep intense power exchange is about.

I’ve never succeeded in staying committed to anyone who can’t match me loyalty for loyalty.

So, go ahead and entertain those chat-room fantasies of a slave in every port, of a harem of slaves who languish prettily by their computer screens loyally awaiting your email or webcam presence.

Just don’t be surprised when you find out the begging is just a pretence, and the obedience is just a hollow promise.

For me, I’ll hand my collar over to someone who knows what a commitment it is to hold a leash; and isn’t afraid to step up to the task.

Somehow it’s just sweeter that way.

Movies For The Open-Minded!

2008-06-15T20:30:00.001-07:00

I started working today on the movie review part of my website.

I'd like to compile an extensive list of movies featuring themes that appeal to those of us with hedonistic and/or sex-positive interests.

The movies will range, I hope, from common fare to more obscure movies, and while I may not be able to review all of them personally, I'd like to feature a decent resource list of titles and info.

If you can think of any movies you believe will appeal to a discerning adult audience feel free to let me know.

Submissive, Heal Thyself!

2008-06-12T20:55:00.001-07:00

On the alt.com forums recently we discussed what we do to heal. I thought it was an interesting subject and this was my response:

If things can't be fixed by directly addressing the cause of the hurt, then immersing myself in something creative helps, usually writing, photography, or working on one of my many online projects.

When things are really tender I spend time at the Vancouver Aquarium talking to the animals. I may even do a little retail therapy...but I try not to do big ticket purchases. I've been known to blow ten bucks at a dollar store in really bad moments.

Sometimes a really silly movie and some junk food is the only thing that will help.

Then, when I'm ready, I usually listen to some real intense emotional music and let myself feel the feelings so that I can let them go. I may let myself cry out the pain, but that's not as often as perhaps it should be. (I hate to cry.)

Healing is extremely important; I refuse to continue to suffer a blow for long because I believe it rots the heart and soul. I can be pretty aggressive about healing when I need to be.

But They Said I Was A Slave...

2008-06-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

In one of the Fetlife groups we've been talking about how newcomers should go about learning about the lifestyle.

This is a common discussion point, and one I find difficult to ignore. No matter how many forum groups I've been on, and how many times a newcomer to BDSM asks for guidance, I just can't help feeling responsible for putting my view out there.

Too many otherwise intelligent, experienced people find themselves completely thrown into an emotional crisis when they step into the BDSM ring. Too much, too fast, and too many predators looking for fresh meat.

I don't say this to scare anyone off. If someone has urges toward any aspect of BDSM I encourage them to seek their bliss.

But there are pitfalls, and far too many newcomers sprain an ankle or worse as they rush headlong onto the proverbial playground that is the world of BDSM.

Personally I don't like to see people rushing into power exchange relationships when they haven't even yet explored their own interests and have a better sense of what they want for themselves.

Too often newcomers jump eagerly into the deep end, declare they're a slave because some dom/me in a chat-room said they were and they're left floundering when they realize they don't know how to swim.

Too often once they begin to drown that chat-room dom/me disappears, having told them they were a lousy slave/sub/bottom, for failing their master/mistress, and the newcomer is left suffering a self-image crisis, wondering how it all happened.

I've seen some pretty competent people destroyed by this kind of recklessness, and it's tough to convince them to pick up the pieces and continue to seek their bliss after such a blow.

My advice? Take it slow, very slow! Walk before you run, read before you play, and treat it like a journey. Keep your eyes and ears open and learn everything you can from every source available to you. No one person has all the answers, and no one has all the answers that are perfectly right for you.

We're all individuals, and responsible for finding our own unique way. There are maps, and there are some awful good Sherpas to help you along the way, but in the end the journey is yours, and the destination is up to you.

Just call me Sherpa-Cinful.

HNT: Why Not?

2008-06-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

Half-Nekkid Thursday is a celebration of nekkidness. It's not about porn or even about sex. It's about the human body.

Wih my interest in photography and the human body as an art object I thought it would be a fun thing to join. So, since it's Thursday...

Enjoy!

FetLife Blog Prompts

2008-06-05T22:56:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been uninspired to do much in the way of blogging. Back when I began my journey into BDSM everything was fresh and exciting and I felt the need to document things almost obsessively.

Unfortunately as time wore on, and with the loss of so much of my early blog, I lost the passion I once had for maintaining a written account of my experiences.

I've been struggling with the question of why bother to blog at all.

Recently I joined a new fetish site and found a group there for bloggers. It put me to thinking..my own journey is less dramatic now, but as a more experienced lifestyler I still have thoughts to share. Thoughts that might shed light for others with an interest in BDSM, and in submission in particular.

So, I've started a blog prompt group on fetlife in the hopes of finding motivation to continue. Anyone interested can join fetlife (it's free), and find the group there. But I also plan to post some of the prompts in the sidebar here for anyone to use.

If you do get inspired to write something based on a prompt please feel free to leave me a link in the comments box.

Happy Blogging.

And No Babysitter!

2008-06-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

I'm on my own tonight. In the apartment I've called home for 17 years or so.

So why does it feel strange?

Maybe because I'm not so used to sleeping in my own bed anymore? Or sleeping alone anymore? Could it be both?

Thank goodness for phones...and daddy doms.

This little girl needs to be tucked in before she can sleep.

::grin::

My Pillow Has Issues...Really!

2008-06-02T19:52:00.000-07:00

The Interview That Wasn't....

2008-05-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

Let me get straight to the point; the interview was a complete fiasco.

I knew the location I was heading to was not all that accessible but since they do have another office I was willing to go out to this one for the interview. I always like to have a sense of the commute anyway, before I make decisions. The trip out there took longer than I expected but fortunately I still arrived on time.

The interviewer, on the other hand, didn’t arrive at all.

Turns out, the lovely doctor is pregnant, and a bit…uhm…unreliable in the memory department at the moment. She’d apparently forgotten to inform her staff that she’d booked this interview (by email), and therefore it never got put down on any calendars.

She then went and booked an ultrasound for the same time as my interview.

Could I possibly reschedule for next week?

Well, considering I was forced to take some time off to get to this interview, and it took close to two hours to get there…

Nope. Sorry. Can’t be done.

At this point I asserted myself and suggested that if the doctor would like we could have a pre-interview over the phone sometime in the next week, and if we decide to go ahead and explore it further we can book a second interview.

I’m very proud of myself for that.

The fiasco doesn’t end there, however; as it turns out the bus service to this area is limited.

Very, very limited.

Unknown to me, the bus route I’d taken to get there was a one-way-only deal, for just a few hours in the day, strictly a commuter. One wouldn’t arrive to take me home until…oh about 6:30.

In the morning.

I found this out by texting the bus stop number to Translink who then texts you the schedule for the stop you’re at. Fantastic idea, that! Thank goodness for cell phones.

So now, after spending hours getting there for absolutely nothing, I’m stuck out in the middle of nowhere, with no idea how I’m getting home.

After a chat with R., who researched my options from afar via internet, and a chat with a chance stranger coming by to catch a bus, I was able to find out that a different bus - which ran hourly - was due in about 40 minutes.

I’d just missed the previous one since I’d stopped to grab a quick coffee to fuel me for the long trip home, not that I’d have known to grab that particular bus. I like to think I’d have consulted the driver anyway and not let it go by; a policy R. has now made me promise to stick by. (A very smart policy, obviously.)

The young chevalier - who I knew to trust because he was wearing these great funky fashionable glasses - explained how to get where I was going by this less direct bus route. Since he was going there too, I was able to follow him, and get easily home. Not quickly, but at least without any further trauma.

Thank goodness for the transit commuter code of ethics that urges all of us who are dependent on buses to lend a fellow traveller a metaphorical beacon and map.

This almost surreal experience jut goes to confirm two things I already knew.

1) No commuter should ever, ever, ever be without a cell phone.

2) I hate the suburbs.

R. was pretty aggravated by the situation I’d been put in; he’s seriously doubting that this is a reliable company to consider working for. I can see his point, although everyone makes mistakes and having known enough fertile women personally I do know that the hormones (and often just plain fatigue) of pregnancy can cause forgetfulness.

So far, I’ve yet to hear from the fertile doctor or even receive an email of apology, even though I made it clear that I’d come a long way and taken some time off to meet with her. I do think that’s in pretty bad taste, barring some crisis that has prevented her from taking the few minutes it would take.

R. may be right.

(He often is…)

Thus begins, less auspiciously than I’d hoped, my job hunt. I like to think things will get better from here…

We shall see.

The Grateful Five...

2008-05-29T14:21:00.000-07:00

Today (and everyday) I'm grateful that I was blessed with:

~ a working and creative brain

~ an abundant sense of humour

~ a positive outlook on life that has stood the ravages of time and life

~ a tolerant, open-minded and kinky nature

And most of all, people in my life (like R.!) who appreciate those things.

What are you grateful for?

Options...

2008-05-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

Well, I have a job interview on Thursday. The optometrist who's looking to train someone as a visual therapist has talked me into going out to talk to her.

The money seems reasonable, the job interesting. I have no doubt I'd be good at it, with all my experience with special needs kids and their families. Part of me likes the idea of working for at least another year; financially, anyway.

I could put more money aside, even take a photography course in the meantime.

My math test results stand for 5 years before I’d be required to write that again. I could probably take the necessary communications courses online as well, so when I did eventually go back for an optician degree I'd have less of a course load and could maybe even continue working part-time as a visual therapist. I don’t think they’re offered as online/distance education by Douglas College at this time, but I believe one can take those kinds of general courses through any college and transfer the credits.

I’d have a year in the field to be sure that I actually do want to become an optician before investing all that time and money, and it would be a definite benefit to have this experience when the time came to take the course.

It all sounds very practical.

However, part of me is extremely fired up about the idea of going back to college. I really love learning, and the whole school experience. I want to walk the campus with my books in hand and feel the energy rush of being surrounded by people who are excited about their future. People who still believe they can achieve their dreams.

In the day to day work grind so many of us lose that enthusiasm and become jaded and lazy. We stop believing in dreams; stop making goals for our selves. Trust me, I see glimmers of it in myself, and that’s how I know my time to move on is long overdue.

I don’t know what the future will hold, and the job interview may prove to be a dead end…but it’s nice to know there are options. I was certainly having my moments of doubt over the last two years.

Stay Tuned!

24/7 D/s: Unicorn or Horny Horse?

2008-05-03T12:52:00.000-07:00

A Dominant on Alt.com entered into that endless debate about whether 24/7 D/s can truly exist on a recent blog entry.

My answer is likely to surprise some of you who see me as being a rather hard-nosed realist (one with a soft mushy caramel centre, naturally).

Yes, there is a Santa Cl...Oops sorry, I mean potential for 24/7 in a BDSM relationship, but I think it all depends on what that means to the individual.

My argument goes like this...

Marriage is 24/7, right? Even when your spouse is at work, visiting family, working overseas for a year, or at a play party getting whipped and fondled by your best friend with or without your knowledge, they are still your spouse.

Once two (or more people) make a commitment to each other and stick a label on that commitment no one else can take that away, as far as I’m concerned. Only the parties involved are capable of making that decision.

Until such a time as one or both partners feel that the label no longer applies, it stands, regardless of any-one else’s opinion. Once one partner no longer feels that sense of partnership then the label begins to warp and peel away like the label on an icy, wet beer bottle.

That moment is an individual one, unique to every partnership. For one D/s couple it might be when the spankings fade away due to the demands of daily life. For another it might be when one partner steps out of their usual role as a new role develops, such as parenthood, officially becoming spouses, or even just exploring a newly discovered switch-side.

Many people find they can’t integrate multiple roles into their relationships. Many people find they can’t maintain a D/s dynamic without daily ritualization.

24/7 is really just another label we put on something that really can’t be clearly defined, in hopes that everyone will understand the definition based on context. Defining our own labels is just one more aspect of BDSM that appeals to those of us who don’t like to live our lives based on accepted social dogma.

I refuse to challenge anyone who states they have a 24/7 D/s relationship even if that label makes no sense to me.

Why should it matter to me? I don’t have to wear it.

The downside, of course, is that this maverick-type of thinking that one can call a skunk a flower and get away with it, is that you may find yourself constantly dealing with the kind of misunderstandings that arise from careless communication.

One has to apply labels with great care. For one thing there are consequences for possessing inadequately labelled substances, and don’t forget, once applied, labels can be messy and troublesome to get rid of.

That being said, have I myself, been in a 24/7 D/s relationship? By my standards, yes; by other’s standards, no. But for the most part I surround myself with people who believe in live and let live when it comes to relationships and their definitions.

And I’m content with that.

Take THAT, Math Gods!!

2008-04-30T17:56:00.001-07:00

I did it!! I kicked the Math Gods' collective asses!

Now all I have to do is see if there are any other damn hoops to leap through. Hopefully not, and I'll be hearing soon about my application.

Send good college thoughts my way.

PS: Imagining me in a schoolgirl uniform doesn't count but will be forgiven.

Starting Off On The Right Foot

2008-04-29T16:48:00.000-07:00

The question of how to initiate new enthusiasts to BDSM came up in a post on the Alt forum, BC Moderated. I’d like to address it in more detail here since it’s both an important subject, and one in which I had a fair bit of good luck at the start of my own journey.

Weeks before engaging in any actual play, my first dominant and I sat together at his computer and looked at a collection he had of fetish pictures. Not extreme stuff, just things representing light bondage, spanking, gags, clothespins on nipples, etc. We talked about my reaction to each photo, and I was encouraged to rate them in terms of interest, and to share any concerns or misgivings I had about each activity.

This was an excellent way to start because I had to learn to express my concerns and interests openly and honestly. This is an important skill many adults lack when it comes to relationships and sex, and it was made easier by the understanding that I was not committing myself to jumping in right away.

He also used this time to teach me a little about the dangers inherent in such things as bondage and wax-play, as these subjects came up. This built not only a good foundation of knowledge for me right from the beginning, but also instilled in me the important lesson that bottoms need to be educated. We’re every bit as responsible – and more - for our well-being and happiness as our dominants, but some people sadly learn that the hard way.

This lesson has served me well, time and time again.

This technique (which in many ways was just about building a habit of good clear communication) also created a strong sense of trust and security. I came to believe that he knew what he was doing and was concerned for both my mental and my physical health and safety.

Through these discussions he got a sense of where to start, and could more effectively plan scenes and introduce me to new activities with confidence that I wouldn’t suffer morning-after regrets, a very unpleasant thing for all parties.

I think it's also extremely important to note that experienced players should always attempt to aid novitiates in separating erotic fantasy from reality. Newbie’s often fantasize about such things as mummification or extreme CBT, but that doesn't mean they actually know they'll enjoy it. Lots of folks aren’t aware of their triggers until something sets them off, and when this happens in the early stages of a person’s discovery it can negatively affect their future enjoyment of BDSM.

My first dominant believed that if a scene left the sub wanting more, as opposed to being grateful it was over or bored of repetition, than he considered it a success. Eagerness for the next session creates a valuable dynamic for both parties. And that’s something that happens through careful attention on the part of the dominant, good communication on part of the sub, and trust on both sides.

What's The Opposite Of Jealousy?

2008-04-26T20:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a very well-written article about compersion.

The article is not affiliated in any way with the book you see pictured here; but both have some excellent insights on jealousy and how to cope with it in open relationships. I very strongly suggest that anyone who is interested in re-defining monogamy in their relationships read this book.

As a matter of fact I believe that if a couple takes the time to read this together and share their thoughts openly as they do so, then 75% of the issues they might face in opening their relationship can be avoided.

Yes, it's that helpful!

Never Surrender!

2008-04-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

She-Who-Is-Never-Rational, otherwise known as my boss, has asked me to write a resignation letter for my file.

Hello??

Children, if we look back in our history books to that day in 2007 when She-Who-Never-Makes-Sense delivered me a letter stating clearly that the school would be "unable to offer you a contract past the 2007-2008 school year" unless I consented to spending valuable time and money going back to get a diploma in something I’ve excelled at for over 25 years, we will see clearly that I, like many conquered peoples, did not choose my fate. I was run over by a tyrant with more power than myself and little regard for humanity. Or even common sense.

Earlier this week she sent in her general, She-Who-Cannot-Bend-A-Rule, in order to deliver this demand for written confirmation of my impending doom. I told the General that I could not write a resignation letter, as I am, in fact, not resigning!

The General was very confused, having not heard anything about this letter, or my contract not being renewed. The General stated that, like all good soldiers, she was doing what she was told to do, which was to state on my Record Of Employment that I was leaving to go back to school. A truth, from their point of view, but not the whole truth.

A semi-truth, which would likely preclude me from receiving the E.I benefits I have earned after working 17 long, hard, financially disastrous years in that bizarre little place.

Thanks for the years of service, please insert this boot anally, and have a good life.

I have the day off work today, so of course R. and I ventured down to the local Employment Insurance office to try and get at least some coherent answers out of the red tape fetishists we call our government.

(Yes, we are silly optimists and no, we didn’t get many answers.

But, at least now, I do know who I have to contact to get some help in this transition, and eventually the long, winding, unmarked path to my future will lead me somewhere other than on the street eating cat food.

Okay, I’m exaggerating, but bear with me. It’s been an annoying, stressful journey so far, and I’m battling a cold right now. Snarkiness is allowed.

As for the college path, I’m booked to re-take my math exam on Wednesday. Any numerical thoughts directed my way are greatly appreciated and karmic-ly rewarded!

Stay Tuned!

What's It Worth To You?

2008-04-19T14:35:00.000-07:00

The lovely PK, in a true show of friendship, sent me a posting to a job listing, as my current employment situation ends in June, after 17 years. (As we're all aware...)

The posting was for a job as a childcare worker/nanny, in keeping with my experience as a special needs educator...

The posting demands all kinds of certificates and diplomas, now commonly requested in Canada for such jobs.

The wage TOPS out at $18 per hr.

It involves developing an art, drama, music, and enriched play curriculum, as well as seeing to snacks and personal care, for three kids, ages 1 - 5, and they want to pay between $15 and $18 an hour?

I'm glad I'm getting out of the field for good. It's truly pathetic that we think so little of the people who mold and raise our kids while we run off to work at jobs paying much, much more. Shows how we value their future...Our future since these children will someday run the country, ot to mention the old age homes we'll be stuck in.

Grrrr!

I do appreciate KP thinking about me, though. I'm working hard on my math drills and WILL ace the damn re-exam on April 30th, and WILL get accepted into the Optician program, where I will finally receive a decent wage for my services.

I refuse to think otherwise.

Okay, enough ranting. I'm off to take care of my sore back, thanks to a day spent on a field trip with a troop of excited kids. (Do love the Vancouver Aquarium, though!)

Math drills can wait until evening...

I'm Switzerland...

2008-04-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Katt makes a very eloquent point in the We Need You post on the alt.com BC Moderated Forum.

She also follows it up in her blog post Word As Weapons.

Each and every one of us shapes our local BDSM community and if someone isn't part of the solution, as they say, then they are part of the problem. I'm all for looking in the mirror and making sure you like the person you see. It's the only power we truly have in this world, but it can be an incredible power!

I'm just as drawn to reading the drama and trying to sort out the opinions as anyone else. No one is 100% right or wrong in these battles. I see both sides, and know that for the most part there are nothing but good intentions on all sides.

But after years of participating in forums I too discovered, as Katt says, that any words tossed into the vicinity can and will be picked up as kindling.

I'd rather go have a steaming cup of cocoa with a friend than keep warm by standing near the flames of an online forum.

I think, like Katt, I'd like to make a vow that I will no longer allow my words to be used as weapons. I withdraw from the war, as a conscientious objector.

I welcome everyone else to do the same.

Hey, Wench!

2008-03-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

One thing I'd like to try is serving as a wench at a dinner party. You know, the old-fashioned, getting-pinched-on-the-butt, pouring ale, pushed-into-a-lap, having-your-ass-slapped kind of good time.

Anyone up to organizing a dinner party?

From The Past: Written 2001

2008-03-25T14:27:00.000-07:00

I was surfing online and came across my first BDSM website. Here's a piece I wrote at the beginning of my exploration of BDSM:

The question that led me to research the world of BDSM and the psychology of submission is one that has been nagging at me for over 25 years.

WHY, at 15, had I provoked my first true love into spanking me...In public? I knew somehow deep inside that if he did, it meant that he loved me.

What a strange idea.

And yet, for no rational reason I could articulate, I wanted him to prove his love by controlling my bratty behaviour. It's not as though I wanted to be abused. It's not as though I came from an abused background and it was the only kind of love I recognized. It wasn't as if I was searching for an absentee father.

I just KNEW that if he cared, if he really, really, loved me, he'd take me over his knee in front of all those people and spank me.

He did.

I loved him wildly for 5 years, although we weren't together that long.

Looking back I know what it was I loved about him. I loved that he was strong. Determined. Not afraid to take control. Not willing to let ME control HIM. Not NEEDING me to be responsible for him.

I have always felt somewhat responsible for the world. A silly thing to be sure, but a powerful illusion anyway. If it rained on my friend's parade I felt it was my fault the sun had not come out. The universe just might not turn without me there to guide the orbits.

Many of us have this strange complulsion.

Most submissives are people who take on a great deal of responsibility. They are often strong and powerful people. They are leaders, people who are relied on by their friends, families and employers. People who are compelled to take control of a situation.

Of course this takes a strong person. But even strong people get tired. The universe is a heavy place to hold up after all.

At the very least you will find that most submissives excercise a great deal of control over their small part of the universe.

And this is the secret - for me at least - to my desire to be submissive.

For those moments in time when I am bound, when I have given that control over to someone else for awhile I am at peace. I am free. I am without responsibility for the world. Someone 'loves' me enough to take it off my shoulders. To let me fly.

In those moments, everything else falls away. There is nothing I need to do but follow where my Dom leads. There is nothing else I CAN do.

And that is a wonderful place to be...for awhile.

I don't want to be powerless in my life. And this is what a lot of people think being submissive means. I just want to have my power recharged. To take a respite and come back to the world just as strong and powerful as before.

So now I know it's not about abuse. It's not about weakness. It's about being strong enough inside to trust that I can put aside power for awhile and get it back when I'm ready.
Not so strange after all....

Pillow Seduction

2008-03-24T15:36:00.000-07:00

Seriously, my pillow has a problem...

Update On The Math Situation

2008-03-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

I sure appreciate all the words of support in response to my last entry. You guys are great!

I've talked to my ex-sister-in-law, who once ran a business college in Kelowna. She states that there is always room for the college to make exemptions, especially for mature students. Colleges need to fill seats, and since there has been a dip in college attendance in the last few years chances are good I can plead my case on this.

I was pretty bummed out by my scores on the math test but I've had some time to think about it. Also, according to their rules I have to re-take the whole test again. Not sure why, when I only "failed" one section.

I'm going to be asking the college to accept my score on the test as a pass. At the moment I'm brainstorming my case based on these arguments:

- In total my score on the test was 94/117, or 80%, this is generally accepted as a pretty respectable score.

- I easily passed 2 of the 3 sections on the test.

- The time limit for the computation section of the test, which works out to 45 seconds per question, was the only reason I missed passing Section Two. I missed by 4 points - the exact number of questions I was forced to leave unanswered.

- How necessary is the time limit when in reality such computations are usually done by calculator? Isn't the important thing that the test proved I could do the calculations if necessary?

- Why is it necessary for a re-take to involve all 3 sections of the test?

- I'm a mature student with a full-time job, coming out to retake the test would constitute a hardship as I would be required to take a day's unpaid leave from my job.

I'm still working on my argument and will be getting lots of help from R., and some co-workers who know the inside of the education system.

Wish me luck!!

Damn Math!

2008-03-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

I came so damn close to passing the stupid exam. Sadly they only allowed 30 minutes for me to calculate 48 computations.

Long division, multiplication of fractions, conversion of percentages. NO calculator allowed.

Sure, I can understand the need to prove that I know how to do these math basics by hand...but why the hell does anyone in this day and age need to be a speed demon?

I'm caught betwen pissed off and disappointed in myself. I work so hard and I feel that I was set up to fail.

Ugh...

Yes Frank, There Is An Easter Bunny!

2008-03-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

Had a great time at Rascals last night.

Took the seasonal cues and dragged out my bunny ears and an adorable little pink basket (complete with pink boa details) and played Easter Bunny.

The little chocolate eggs went fast.

Later R. and I spent some time on the dungeon floor where this naughty bunny got her little tail smacked.

R: How can I spank you while you wear this fluffy tail? I don't want people getting upset about cruelty to animals, after all.

Bunny: It's okay, 'cause I've been a naughty bunny!

R. and I are rarely serious when we play. We just tend to feed off each other's humour too easily. We always have. In the past, with other partners, I've found humour can interrupt my slide into sub-space but that doesn't seem to happen with R.

Perhaps it's our playful daddy/little girl dynamic, or the fact that I'm at a point where I can be comfortable with mild brat play. Maybe it's both, I'm not sure. Whatever it is, it's fun to play without seriousness and still feel that wonderful floating sensation that accompanies hair-pulling, ass-swats, breast-paddling, and other divine nastiness.

Last night was the first time I ever had my face-slapped in public play, as well. It was pretty awesome, let me tell you!

::grin::

All in all it was one of those truly fun nights at Rascals, one that combines D/s play with social time, and cuffs with fluffy tails and fluffy ears...

::hums a perverted few bars of These Are A Few Of my Favourite Things...::

It was a great way to start off an eleven day holiday. Especially one that consists of doctor's appointments and a college math assessment...

Think mathematical thoughts my way for Thursday, folks...I need all the support I can get.

Happy Easter...

And a New Wardrobe...

2008-03-08T10:04:00.000-08:00

So, it's official. After 17 years of working at the school I'm now about to be truly unemployed in less than 4 months.

Well, we knew it was coming, it was unavoidable, and it's all for the best...

So is dental work. Not to mention needles, mammograms, and prostrate tests.

Doesn't mean we enjoy them.

(Of course, some of you sickos out there actually do enjoy those, come to think of it...put down your hands and stop volunteering. Sheesh!)

Registering for college at my age is no harder...and no easier...than registering at 19 years old. The only difference is that you don't see the world with rose-coloured glasses anymore, which means you see the risks and benefits a lot more clearly.

Sometimes blurry is good. Maybe it would be easier if I took off my glasses?

Ah well, just think of the cute little uniforms I'll be able to wear...

Why Ask Why?

2008-03-07T18:08:00.000-08:00

Once again someone posted in the alt.com forums asking for enlightenment on how, why, and when people came to the lifestyle. This question is one asked often by newcomers, and that isn’t very surprising. We all seem driven to understand why we do what we do, especially when we first begin exploring.

However, there are as many answers to those questions as there are people in the lifestyle.

Some of us seem to feel these interests are genetically encoded, others say they just stumbled across it at the request of a lover and stayed for the endorphins. I’ve personally given up on the "nature vs nurture" mindset when it comes to human beings. I think everything we are and do is a product of “nature + nurture”.

I come from a large family and I see my submissive personality reflected back to me by at least one of my siblings. However, she chooses a religious conduit for her submissiveness, not a sexual one. Is it because she met her husband, a dominant religious man, early in life and was therefore nurtured towards that outlet? Probably; who really knows?

I also know that many of my submissive traits are common among adults who were the middle child in a large family. Yet, I know of more than one middle child who is very dominant. Again one factor alone doesn’t account for anything.

To try to pigeon-hole this lifestyle into one solid, black-and-white, cause-and-effect argument is a pretty futile task.

Having said that, I believe it’s invaluable to delve critically into these questions and better understand one’s own reasoning and motivations. Understanding our personal and unique wheres, whys and hows is one of the best tools for getting the most out of this lifestyle...or indeed out of life, period.

In my case I can trace back these urges to my childhood, and believe that I actually inherited a natural inclination towards submissiveness from my father. Both of us appear to express affection by serving the people we love. I also see no reason to doubt that my mother’s dominant nature, and my natural need to be loved and accepted by her, shaped many of my submissive responses.

To further complicate things, unlike my sister, I have a highly sexual and adventurous nature, a nonconformist attitude, and a craving for endorphins. These things appear to me to be well-served by the BDSM lifestyle.

My distrust of organized powers such as religion, made it unlikely that I would seek a religious outlet for my need to provide service and worship. My natural disinclination toward blindly accepting outdated modes of social behaviour made it easy for me to accept an alternate lifestyle.

In the end, all the pieces of the puzzle came together and here I am. No two people hold all the same pieces and so no two puzzles will come out quite the same. The answers of what brings someone to the lifestyle are as unique as their fingerprints.

And, I think, just as fascinating a mystery.

One I hope never to fully solve.

Sleepless In Vancouver

2008-02-23T18:15:00.000-08:00

Last night was a very rough night.

It started out wonderfully with amazing greek food and a bottle of Retsina with a few of my favourite people.

Once I crawled into bed it all went downhill. I think it may be the early stages of menopause (gasp!!) and the stress of trying to arrange everything to get into this college program. My free time is so limited right now with working longer hours and trying to fit in medical appointments, college tests and everything else.

My boss is being fairly supportive of the process but when I approached her for a personal day in order to schedule a writing assessment she was unwilling to grant it without docking me a day wages.

Needless to say when one is contemplating 2 years as a full-time student you start counting every dollar in advance. I just can't afford it.

I was very upset. Partly hormones I guess, but also frustration with a work standard that punishes you for being honest and ethical. Had I just kept my mouth shut and called in sick everything would have been fine.

You'd think I'd learn after all these years that playing by the rules gets you nowhere in the work place. At least not in my present workplace. Lying seems to be the only way to go. And I can't stand being forced to lie.

<-- insert sound of palm smacking forehead repeatedly.

It really is just the straw that broke the camel's back. I have no time to fool around on the phone trying to schedule and re-schedule appointments into the few weekend hours available. Let alone free time to actually follow through on them.

Without R. I might have given up already. He's been very pro-active about taking on some of the calling and scheduling, and keeps me calm when I start to get overwhelmed.

Last night he had to suffer through my late night tears, insomnia, and the fact that I couldn't stop doing math in my brain every time I tried to close my eyes.

I finally spent two very late night hours on the couch reading a book. I've heard of people doing this but have never suffered from sleep issues so I was miserable at the thought of forsaking bed when all I wanted was to sleep.

I have better empathy for insomniacs now.

Off to see a movie with J. while R. holds proverbial hands with the 'Nucks via TV tonight.

Hopefully there'll be a full night's sleep tonight. Of course, I was naughty and did almost 3 hours of math work this afternoon so I may be kicking myself in fractions, decimals and percentages tonight...somewhere around 2 am, perhaps?

::sigh::

PS, thanks for the sip of Ouzo last night, J.!! ::grin:: I've decide your unwillingness to give up your olives for me in no way jeopardizes your best-girlfriend status - after all you did give me L.'s olive. (Girlfriends take precedence over boyfriends sometimes, eh?)

Schoolgirl For Real.

2008-02-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

So, still working towards being accepted into a full-time program at Dougie College next fall.

This will require that I pass a math assessment in the next 2 months.

The good news is that it only requires the skills equivalent to a passing grade in B.C. High School Math 10 or 11.

The bad news is that high school was 30 years ago. The worse news is I sucked in math then, and I still hate it now.

So last week, R. purchased me a set of math workbooks intended for students in grade 5 and 6, and sat me down at his dining room table to get working. God knows I'd forgotten how to do the simplest tasks. (Damn calculators!)

Like a good girl I worked solidly for over an hour, happy to find that it was coming back to me as I went through the first few pages. When it was over, R. let me have a piece of chocolate as a reward.

As I dashed to the fridge to grab my treat I felt absolutely and completely like an 8 year old again.

Ah, the pleasures of daddy/little girl relationships.

::grin::

I have a long way to go, though, and I'm the first to wonder if I've bitten off more than I can chew. I guess I don't doubt my ability to accomplish this task, as much as I look at the calendar and wonder if I'm insane for thinking I can accomplish this in time, without hiring an professional tutor.

R. is doing his best to keep my spirits up but there are moments I just feel the whole thing is an exercise in futility.

Somehow I swear I hear my high school math teachers laughing maniacally and muttering we told you so.

When they say your high school foibles will come back to haunt you they aren't kidding. I'm paying now for thinking I was smart enough to go my whole adult life avoiding math.

Well, off to work on fractions and order of operations...Think mathematical thoughts my way...

More On Why We Do What We Do...

2008-01-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

The curious Dom-to-be wrote back, thanking me for giving him something to think about and mentioning his trouble with the idea of slavery. His comment was that he is inclined, as a young American, to think of slavery in terms of his country's history, and he wondered how people can justify giving up liberties in this day and age.

He was also concerned that he had offended me with his previous email.

This was my response:

Not to worry. I didn't find your email offensive at all. I think you simply hold all the usual reservations and concerns a sane, caring individual would, given that they had little or no knowledge of BDSM.

Good books to read include SM101 by Jay Wiseman, and The Loving Dominant by John Warren. Be wary of what you read online by people who only have chatroom/online experience.

One way to look at the "master/slave" mentality of this lifestyle is to realize that we are not talking about the non-consensual slavery of your country's past. D/s resembles more a type of responsibility Feudal Lords had for the well-being of their peons, or the type of behaviour espoused by the bible when referring to an ethical "Master of The House".

As to why any sane adult would put themselves in the position of being submissive to someone else's will, one simply has to look at human nature. Many of us take great pleasure in catering to other's needs, whether in a Florence Nightingale sense, a Mother Theresa sense, or in a Buddhistic/Zen mindset.

Also, do not forget that humans are pack animals and like wolves tend to seek their standing in the pack to ensure survival. Some temperments are better suited to an Alpha lifestyle, while others feel more comfortable as followers.

In return for these perceived sacrifices the submissive personality should expect that the alpha they bond to will take their well-being into consideration and make decisions that will ensure a happy, healthy relationship for both parties.

Naturally this is all too complex to go into in greater detail here, but I do hope it has given you some small insight and perhaps renewed enthusiasm for exploring this lifestyle.

Take care.

Finding Your Level

2007-12-29T16:51:00.000-08:00

I received an email today from someone who'd taken an online test about dominance I'd created on another site.

Although admittedly uneducated about BDSM, he was concerned that my test was skewed towards people who were more likely abusive or tyranical by nature.

He also made a comment that it was his understanding that BDSM was all about kinky sex and not oppression.

::sigh::

It was an intelligent and concerned email from someone who was obviously eager to explore this lifestyle, so I felt moved to reply.

This is my response:

Thanks for your feedback. After 7+ years in my local BDSM community I'm pretty clear on the differences between abusers/tyrants and dominants.

Naturally all D/s should revolve around consideration for a partner's needs and feelings, and consent is the number one rule. However, there are many levels of D/s and some people do enjoy pushing the power exchange to the extreme. It works just fine for them, as long as they have a partner who is also inclined towards more intense D/s.

In my relationships I've encountered many dominants, like yourself, who enjoy it on a play level, and for many of them the stronger elements of D/s just don't sit well. I've also been involved with someone I would term a slave-master and many things were all-or-nothing with him when it came to obedience. It was intense and beautiful. Whether it would have suited me long-term I can only quess.

The joy of BDSM is that you can take it to whatever level you and your partner enjoy. There are no rules...except consent and do no harm.

As for your comment about BDSM being all about kinky sex, this is only true for a certain percentage of people in the lifestyle. Some people do equate their desires with kinky sex, but for some of us it is definitely about how we shape our relationships, and can apply to such daily mundane things as who does the dishes, and whether or not they rent a particular movie. It can very much resemble a Lord/Lady-of-the-manor and servant dynamic. This is an individual decision and based on the individual's desires, needs, and the reality of the daily grind.

For most of us things tend to fluctuate back and forth between those poles, and sometimes it's hard to tell between the two. If you like I'd be happy to point you in the direction of some good reading on the subject.

Good luck on your journey. I'm sure it will bring you joy.

Although this person was honest and open to learning I do find many people, even those who have experience, still cling to the misconception that BDSM is primarily about kinky sex.

It's a myth that may never die, given our society's preoccupation with anything sexual.

At any rate, I was glad this person sought out some clarification and hope I added food for thought to his kink diet.

Some Moments Are Perfect...

2007-12-09T17:10:00.000-08:00

"Give me your face."

::SLAP::

More Than Leather And Lace...

2007-11-26T14:39:00.000-08:00

I was pondering the idea of rituals in M/f D/s relationships and started wondering why a fair amount of them seem to revolve around the submissive's appearance.

I suppose a lot of it revolves around the fact that so many men are visual and the way a woman dresses and does her hair can make a huge difference in his feelings towards her.

In so many long term relationships it seems the fire and sexual energy dies after a period of time and my guess is that so much of that comes down to the old adage about familiarity breeding contempt.

Moving in together (even just part-time living together) can play havoc on any relationship. So many of us greet our man in high heels and mascara at the beginning of the relationship, and then eventually start greeting them in flannel pants and t-shirts. It's often just a matter of necessity and convenience, and pretty unavoidable.

Lingerie that creeps up our backside, or fails to cover our bottoms, finds its way to the back of the drawer and we stop worrying that he'll see us in the comfy cotton ones our mom gave us for Xmas.

After a while those rarely comfortable push-up bras and bustiers only come out on special occasions, and as they things wear out - or stop fitting! - we find there are more serious things to spend money on.

So, one obvious reason for this apparent obsession with appearance is that when a male dominant takes charge of his submissive's appearance he is ensuring that his desire for her will stay fresh. He heads off the problem of her letting the visual stimulus fade, and if his tastes change he simply starts leading her her into his latest fantasy look.

This is only one aspect however. There are deeper layers around controlling such basic adult choices as what clothing to wear that can truly make a submissive feel she has given over power to the man she wishes to please.

There are also the delicious darker kinks of objectification that come from carefully orchestrated appearance choices.

She can become little more than a doll for him to dress, perhaps. Or he can turn her into a schoolgirl, a whore, or a french maid for a period of time, and she ceases to be his lover, his friend, his partner. She is now a new woman he can explore, make love to, abuse...whatever tickles his fancy.

Most males love variety when it comes to sex and poly is not for everyone.

These things that work so well for male dominants work for most female submissives, as well. Many of us enjoy the kink of being someone society doesn't let us be. We also love the loss of control we feel when faced with something as fundamental as losing the right to choose our underwear.

When a dominant makes a decision about these things the female submissive may find herself in a position all day long of being reminded of the D/s relationship.

Just ask any submissive who has worn some article of kinky clothing under her work clothes.

Hot, hot, hot.

I'm sure I'm only tapping the surface here, but there are very good reasons that these rituals are so attractive to those of us in the lifestyle. It's no wonder we instinctively lean towards them.

Myself included.

You're The Boss!

2007-11-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

A very interesting question about submissives being required to give private fashion shows for their dominants was raised in the LowerMainland Lifestylers forum today.

This was my response:

As many submissives are exhibitionists I suspect this is a common playtime scenario. I enjoy both being told what to wear and getting opportunities to surprise my partners with my creative creations.

Gotta love dress-up time! Seeing that look of lust and possessiveness in a dom's eye is one of my favourite things.

BDSM has been great for my self-esteem in this regard, but my empty wallet and my bulging closet are not as happy.

There are so many ways to express dominance and submission in the world of D/s, but most of us become aware of it first through the internet and porn. So those new to D/s can be definitely forgiven for mistaken impressions that it's all about whips and chains. And sex, of course.

(Funny thing that so many males newly identifying as dominant believe blow jobs to be the number one thing guaranteed to make a submissive woman bow to his power. Coincidence or strange genetic encoding? But I digress...)

Yes, sensation play, pain, bondage and sex are all wonderful aspects we incorporate into D/s, but these things in themselves are not what makes someone dominant over another person.

The key, of course is in control and the ability to maintain a power dynamic that puts one partner firmly in the lead.

So many subtle, simple ways a dominant can exercises their control.

Clothing is one of them. Determining how your partner dresses is one way to exert definitive power over them. This can be done in small measures or large, of course, depending on individual tastes and preferences.

Personal hygiene is another. A common example is how many male dominants insist their female submissives keep clean-shaven, or fingernails long and polished.

Small daily routine things are an excellent way to create a seamless day-to-day sense of D/s without dragging out the "Kneel, Bitch" or cane every morning. Sometimes these are elaborate and thought-out, other times they grow naturally.

Titles are an extremely common way to do this, although it can be argued that this technique has been overdone. That's a debate for another post.

So much of what determines dominance is subtle and hard to describe. Tone of voice, natural demeanor, body language...

Without these aspects as an underlying foundation no amount of flogging or length of rope will make someone into a dominant.

I notice that the new MVK (Metro Vancouver Kink) group here in Vancouver has scheduled their official first workshop on December 1st and the title is Topping Without Tools.

Excellent choice!! I think rope bondage workshops and seminars on genital torture are absolutely necessary for safety and the development of varied and exciting scenes, but what's often missing is this basic prerequisite course. It may seem obvious that you don't need floggers and eye hooks from the ceiling in order to dominate, but sometimes the obvious gets overlooked.

As a submissive who has enjoyed the company of many new dominants I'm pleased to see this workshop in place. It's about time!

PS. In regard to the little graphic to the left, only a dummy pretends to know what they're doing when they haven't a clue.

Sure, I Whined But...

2007-09-29T20:22:00.000-07:00

It's days like this when one appreciates a daddy dom.

For the last few months (and longer in reality) there's been several pressing issues in my life that I've only been willing to dabble my toes into the solution pool on.

One of them was some unavoidable, overdue, dental work.

I dread dental appointments, and have a long, bad history of discomfort and aggravation associated with them. This surprisingly causes me to avoid regular appointments, which in turn causes me to need to see a dentist, which in turn is uncomfortable, and starts the cycle all over again...

(Yes, I realize this is all hard to believe, and I'm the only person to engage in this self-defeating behaviour...)

Yesterday, it became painfully aware that this issue would be avoided no longer.

After a restless night complaining of a fairly sudden persistent toothache, I was informed by R., that even though we already had a full day ahead of us, dealing with the career issues I face, we were also going to see to solving this tooth issue.

Today.

He was determined I wouldn't spend one more night in pain, nor would he spend a second night sleeping on his couch in order to avoid disturbing my sporadic, pain-wracked sleep.

It seemed an impossible task, made even harder by my mixed emotions to his decree.

I dearly wanted to be free of this pain, but having no current dentist, and a limited dental plan I just didn't see how we could make any headway today.

Thanks to his unwavering sense of daddy-dom responsibility, (not to mention genuine concern over my discomfort), and a serendipitous reference from a friend, this afternoon found me in a dentist's chair, viable treatment options neatly set in place, and drugs in hand to make the short wait for the permanent solution more bearable.

Although I'm writing this while still slightly tripping on codeine, I'm very clear on one factor...

Without R.'s daddy dom concern and persistence I would still be suffering, and probably still struggling for a good solution.

I'm a pretty grateful little girl.

A grateful, non-pain-wracked, lucky little girl.

Now, off to try and recover from this codeine stone...

Happy weekend, all.

Child's Play

2007-09-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

The Universe has a definite sense of humour.

Just when I’d pretty much figured that my days of enjoying Daddy/little girl play were past I find myself involved with a Daddy Dom.

Of course there are so many positive things about Daddy/little girl play. The nurturing, the moments of silly mischievousness, being read to…

A little girl could get used to such things.

::grin::

I suppose the only downsides I can see to Daddy/little girl play is the possibility of getting stuck in that single dimension of D/s.

I mean, I adore those moments of playfulness, and who doesn’t like being nurtured and pampered? But, is it something I could live with on a fulltime basis?

I think that's highly unlikely. I’ve never been all that one-sided as a person. I have many interests, many moods, and many surprisingly varied needs. Not to mention the sides to my personality I haven’t even begun to discover yet.

I’m not looking for a D/s relationship that traps me in one role. A relationship that casts me as only the Ingénue is going to leave a large part of me malnourished.

It’s not that I particularly see this happening with my present dom, it’s just that in the back of my mind I’m aware of the limitations of getting locked into one form of D/s interaction. I suppose I’m thinking of this now mainly because R. and I spent a good portion of our time this weekend involved in Daddy/little girl dynamics. It comes natural to us, and we seem to draw an inordinate amount of satisfaction from it.

I definitely enjoy letting my inner-child out to play.

But there’s also an inner-slavegirl, and a inner-kitty; not to mention some inners that haven’t been out to play yet.

::grin::

At the moment I don’t have any particular fear that those other sides of me will be neglected; I suppose I just felt the need to give them an opportunity to whisper I’m here, I’m here…

It’s tough being a complicated submissive…

But a whole bunch of fun too.

I like to think my dom agrees.

::contented sigh::

Sigh Of Relief...

2007-09-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

Fences mended.

It was a lovely weekend together, as usual, and now I can get through the week looking forward to Rascals.

Yay!!

Anxiety Rears Its Ugly Head...

2007-09-08T20:31:00.001-07:00

Wow, only been back to work a week and my anxiety level is through the roof.

Freaked out about the upcoming year and whether I'll land up unemployed and unemployable by June. I know somehow things will work out, they always do, but I sure feel like I'm about to find myself up the creek without the proverbial high-powered outboard motor...or even a damn paddle.

Politics are a bitch.

The powers that be have decided they want me to upgrade my credentials since I’ve been in the field so long that my old papers are pretty much parchment.

This is something they’ve been harping on for a few years now, but try as I might I can’t see myself getting thousands of dollars into debt to take a course I could teach in my sleep. I’m already in more debt than I ever expected to be because in 2005 they decided to place me on part-time in order to save themselves a few hundred dollars. They likely saw no financial gain from that decision and I end up owing Visa a few thousand dollars.

Can you say, Screw me?

Now they look at me blankly when I say there’s just no way I can afford to go back to college. The fact that they’ve made it impossible for me to afford it escapes them totally, even though I was very direct in explaining the situation.

(Something that was hard on my pride and ego…)

I’m greeted with the unwavering response of Well, if you aren’t enrolled in the program by January it’s unlikely we can re-hire you.

A decision not brought on by licensing requirements. A decision brought on by administrative coldness, and perhaps a bit of schadenfreude.

Nice way to show how much they appreciate all the years I’ve put heart and soul into helping deaf children and their families achieve their dreams.

You know, they say following your passion can make you blind and stupid.

I guess I’m a textbook example.

All I wanted was a modest career where I could love my work and make a small difference in the lives of a few people…but here I am, looking at starting over from scratch at 48 years old with nothing much to show for all my years of hard work and dedication.

Ah well, I have little choice but to trust in The Universe. Answers will come in time, I suppose.

Add this to being completely broke after my NY trip and my inability to dredge up the courage to approach my boss for a small advance. She’s less approachable than usual due to the stresses of a new school year starting and I have no energy to enter that lion’s den.

Hmmm, toss in some regret over eating movie theatre popcorn last night. Something I almost never do, but given the stresses of the week, I caved. There goes a whole week of healthy eating.

::sigh::

I’m not sure why I’m even writing about this as it’s not my nature to write such negative and personal things in my online blog.

Maybe it’s partly because I’m trying not to focus on how I disappointed my dominant yesterday.

Nothing so serious we can’t talk it through, I believe. As close as I can figure it was brought on by a failure on my part to inform him of a change in plans; a mixture of several exhausting days of stress and fatigue and a miscalculation about the casual nature of a time commitment.

(Seems it was less casual then I took it to be.)

I do take the blame, I’m sure the misunderstanding was all on my part. It’s not like I’ve been thinking all that clearly the last few evenings.

I have every reason to believe things will work out fine but if we know anything at all about submissive personalities it’s that they beat themselves up harder than any dominant could.

Okay, time to stop typing before this sounds like some poor attempt at gathering leniency through sympathy.

Hmmm, seems I’m in a dramatic mood today. Ugh.

Okay, off to shower and head off to mend fences.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I’m sure going to try to.

What's In A Title?

2007-08-31T21:06:00.000-07:00

Sexploration brought up the subject of titles and how some people seem to just use them to refer to anyone and everyone they meet in the lifestyle.

Personally, I really don't like the easy way people throw around titles. It's up to them what they want to do of course, but for myself, I've chosen not to call anyone Mistress or Master on a whim. In fact, I've never used the title. Only once, for a very short time, did I even feel a strong pull to call a partner that, and although things did not pan out between us, I do know there was a huge significance in that. It never passed my lips, but at the time it seemed inevitable.

I don't even use sir unless they are someone I've played with, or someone I feel friendship and respect for as a dominant.

Actually, there is often for me a fairly significant moment in which I begin to refer to someone as sir. I'm almost always acutely aware the moment it sneaks past my lips. It signals to me the moment in which I have mentally - and usually verbally as well - agreed to submit to someone.

The other circumstances in which I may begin to use it is when I have known a dominant friend long enough to feel secure in my respect for them. Calling someone sir means I've acknowledged them as a dominant personality. And there will always be a measure of deference in my manner towards them, even if we never decide to play with one another.

Using sir can give me such delicious feelings of surrender, joy, safety, sexual tension, anticipation, nervousness...any number of wonderful intriguing emotions. It reminds me that I can be myself with that individual, expressing my submissive nature comfortably.

Why would I want to throw it around and have it lose that sweet power?

I don't.

After almost 8 years of this lifestyle titles have remained something I use with caution and respect, regardless of how others want to use them or not use them. It works for me, and that's what counts.

To Watch Or Be Watched...Is That The Question?

2007-08-24T21:12:00.000-07:00

In her blog my gal pal J. brought up the subject of playing in public, and the issue of voyeurism…and it got me thinking…

Public play…so much fun whether you are watching or being watched. However, as many of my friends know, I'm not much of a voyeur. I guess I'm the greedy sort who would prefer to be the one playing.

Yes, you can call me an exhibitionist, even perhaps an attention-slut. Oh wait, if you know me you already have, haven't you? LOL

J.’s question was partly about whether those of us who play publicly are cognizant of the voyeurs in our midst, or oblivious to their presence.

My personal experience is that I’m almost always at least partly aware of the eyes of the crowd, and yes, it enhances the experience for me. I’ve experienced this same dual awareness while dancing, and I can trace that back to my childhood.

(You know the little toddler who performs every time a camera is pointed in her direction? Yes, that was me.)

I enjoy this aspect of public play. I enjoy the feeling I get from knowing I may be providing entertainment to anyone watching. It’s a heady feeling; a satisfying form of service, I suppose.

I’m pretty sure this is not the same for everyone but it’s certainly my experience.

I’ve never thought to ask my play partners whether they are aware that my attention is being split between them and the audience, but now that I think about it, that would be an interesting conversation.

Food for thought, J., thanks.

Blogging For Him

2007-08-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

It’s been a long time since I’ve been required to journal for someone. And, given that this D/s relationship is new and it’s still too early to predict where we intend to go with it, I can’t even say I know what I’m feeling about this return to active submission.

It’s long overdue, I think. I’ve missed having someone in my life who takes such an active interest in my well-being. I think for me that’s a lot of what submission is about; answering to the nurturing presence of another.

A strong male other.

He appears to be someone with a kind heart, a serious sense of humour, and a nice lack of tentativeness. This is very refreshing in someone who is relatively new to domination. Very sexy, as well.

It’s been a busy summer for me and so some of this developing D/s relationship has happened long distance.

Ironic really, seeing as he actually lives closer to me just about anyone I’ve dated.

I think the D/s in our relationship developed quite naturally, and maybe even caught us both a little by surprise, although he did know he was seeking a submissive woman when we met.

I’m not sure if he thinks he got more than he bargained for…

::laughing::

Naturally I’m looking forward to exploring where this is going to go but I’m a bit anxious as well.

It seems to be my fate to meet dominants who are new to active D/s, and the teacher in me is not easily suppressed.

How do I not make the same errors in judgement I’ve made before? How do I let him find his own style of domination and still communicate enough of what I need to be sure my own needs are met at the same time?

How do I resist influencing his domination subconsciously as I attempt to move towards a state of emotional transparency? How do I let go of the human desire to arrange things to suit my own needs and wants?

It’s a lot to think about.

The good news is, he is an easy man to talk to, to share with, and so perhaps we can avoid this pitfall together?

Time will tell.

Meanwhile I’m glad I heard his voice tonight, being a whole continent apart right now is tough. And yet, this New York trip has been so wonderful. I’m enjoying every minute of it…

Especially when I can boot up my laptop at the end of the day and share my daily adventure with someone who’s company I enjoy every bit as much as I suspected I would the night we met.

Now, off to bed, I have a museum to conquer tomorrow and possibly thunderstorms as well.

What happened to summer?

Biting The Big Apple

2007-08-17T22:24:00.000-07:00

The picture to your left is Times Square, taken last night. What an insane place. I love it.

For those of you interested I've uploaded the first of my photos of this trip to New York in my live journal blog, where I use this same handle.

No, I'm not back yet, you'll be getting these updates as they happen.

(Gotta love technology!)

I'm off to attempt the bus system, having gotten a bit of a handle on the subway system. Hopefully I'll end up at the amazing Cathedral Of St. John The Divine.

That's the plan anyway...

Feel free to wander over to LJ during the next 2 weeks and check out the photo slide shows of my visit.

I'll have to owe you the popcorn.

Not As I Want...As I Need...

2007-08-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

Someone asked a good question on the collarme forum site today about why a dominant would ask a sub to do things the sub doesn't like to do. She wondered if this meant subs were always considered inferior and their wants and desires were not important.

This was my response:

If my dominant required me to do only easy things - things I liked and wanted to do - then it just wouldn't feel like they were actually in power. I like to feel that I am truly stepping outside of my own wants and desires, truly submitting to their wants and desires.

I love it when a dominant is strong enough and secure enough in our dynamic to push me this way. It takes confidence and a strong will, and those are very sexy traits in my eyes.

This has nothing at all to do with inferiority; it's about expressing the power dynamic. And it certainly isn't about a sub's needs and wants being unimportant. I need to give up my own agenda, my own wants in order to feel completely fulfilled.

Making me do something I don't want to do reassures me that my needs and wants as a submissive are not only understood by my dominant but valued as well.

Submitting to easy things is easy; you don’t even have to be a sub to do it. It’s submitting to the hard things that challenge me and make me proud of my submissive nature. It’s then that I feel the heady sensation of loss of control and the deepest state of subspace.

I think it can easily be overdone, but that's where communication and empathy come in. It's like everything else in D/s, variety and spice is what makes it delicious.

Speechless In Vancouver

2007-08-12T22:32:00.000-07:00

Was sent a link to a sports forum site yesterday, with the directions to check out the thread.

It was a nice thread where the posters were listing what they were thankful for, and there I saw the familiar nickname.

In his list of things he is thankful for:

- A warm smile from the ever-adorable Cin.

- A whispered suggestion from the sometimes-naughty Cin.

I don't even know what to say...other than that I just wanted to read this whenever I check out my blog.

::big silly schoolgirl grin::

Words To Sigh For...

2007-07-22T22:36:00.000-07:00

But my five wits nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man,
Thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be:
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.

~ Shakespeare, Sonnet CXLI

Lost Virginity

2007-07-16T22:40:00.000-07:00

What goes down well after a good flogging and some rope bondage among friends?

Silk scarves and slings, of course!

The party at Raven’s Retreat was a great way to cool down after a hot day of bbq-ing among fellow kinksters.

Or is that heat up?

Nothing cold about an evening in the dungeon.

My friend E. gave me a good solid flogging. I used it to help shed some of the yucky stress I’ve been carrying around the last few weeks. It was pretty cathartic and I allowed myself to accept the few tears that came to my eyes.

And then there was rope work - just for fun.

::grin::

I’ve been bantering with Silky for a long time now about finally experiencing silk scarf bondage, and AJ was kind enough, after helping me get over my fear of getting into a sling, to run and fetch him so that promise could be fulfilled.

(I think I must have fallen out of a hammock as a child. I’ve always been so nervous of the things!)

I now love slings, and want to do a scene in one very soon!!

(Would not say no to more silk bondage either!)

What a nice way to spend the weekend!

Lazy Musing...

2007-07-06T22:49:00.000-07:00

No ropes today, no good girl...How will I survive?

<-- insert big pitiful sigh here

Ah well, it was a lazy day with lots of fun online bantering in the alt and KinkBC chatrooms with Wicked and Oz, and MSDS...What more could a gal want than to be alone with those three bad-boys?

Okay, well, a lot more but hey, I've been accused of being greedy before.

(Very falsely accused I might add!!)

It was still a nice way to spend my Sunday.

Tomorrow I have to get re-certified for my Childsafe First Aid, and then Monday I start two weeks of teaching summer school. This is a new venture and personally I think it was horribly planned, thrown together in a rush with an eye to keeping costs very low. I'm concerned that the safety of the kids was not looked at as a priority.

It doesn't matter...I'm there, and since I've been left to carry out the program, there is no way I'm going to take any risks. I have a 30 year record of no serious injuries on my shift, and it's not going to change. I'm not sure I could live with myself if a child got hurt seriously while I was on the job.

By next weekend I'm sure I'll be truly looking forward to the BBQ at RavensRetreat.

It'll be followed by an En Femme party. That'll be a slightly new focus for me, as I haven't had much interaction in that area of the kink world.

Should be fun. I've yet to find anything about kink less than fascinating.

::grin::

You Know It Was A Good Party When...

2007-07-05T22:53:00.000-07:00

...you wake up in the morning and find your bra on the living room floor, among a tangle of ropes.

Okay, so that was the after-party…

::sighs happily::

I need to practice tying a rope harness on myself. Even though I had wonderful eager hands to help me last night, I’d like to be able to do a simple one by myself. The exhibitionist in me thinks it could be good fun to perfect that trick.

I digress, naturally. Who can blame me?

It was fabulous fun to crowd up my small apartment with spontaneous visits from A., M., and D. It was worth the last minute hustle to get the place ready, and I do think everyone enjoyed themselves.

J., and L., brought some delicious wines and I admit I indulged freely.

The only thing I might do differently next time perhaps is bring out the ropes before people leave. I’m willing to bet this crowd would find it impossible to resist indulging in a little after-dinner game of tie-up-the-hostess. And of course the hostess wouldn’t feel right unless she shared with her guests. There's enough rope to go around, after all.

Which reminds me perhaps the spanking bench…errr living-room ottoman should be kept clear at all times…in case of a spanking emergency.

(I’m just saying, it could happen…)

Good food, good wine, good friends…and rope.

Heaven, I tell you, pure heaven!

There was talk of a fondue night here, maybe this weekend, and we’ll be firming up the plans on that very quickly.

I was thinking I should declare my house a clothing-optional zone, but maybe it’s best to institute the new house rule after fondue night. Fondue being one of the very few activities that does not go better with nudity, I’m afraid.

I really think I need to consider hostessing more often. My place may be small but all that means is people have to be willing to get a little closer, that’s all.

It’s all good!

Housework Saga

2007-07-04T22:58:00.000-07:00

Just thought ya'll might be interested in hearing that despite 4 days of procrastination - and much public angst - I managed to get the house in shape for company tonight...

With almost 2 hours to spare.

Even have the salad done and marinating in the fridge.

I'm good at this procrastination thing...really good! But, I hear practice makes perfect.

::grin::

Pass The PVC, Please!

2007-07-02T12:10:00.000-07:00

There’s a forum discussion on KinkBC at the moment about whether anyone enjoyed wearing their fetish gear in public.

Fetish wear outside of kink events? Absolutely.
I don't think it's an exhibitionist thing for me though.

(I emphatically deny being an exhibitionist, no matter what you may hear. Lies, all lies!)

To be honest fetish wear just makes me feel sexy, and it feels like a natural thing for me to be wearing.

As a teen I tended towards sexier clothing, pretty unusual for girls my size at that point in time. It was very discouraged, large girls couldn’t even find basic clothing to fit easily, let alone fashionable or sexy stuff. It was a source of definite frustration for me.

We also tended to be told No one wants to see that on a large girl. And that was just in reference to tank tops, shorts, and bathing suits.

(How screwed up is that?)

I spent many years after that being a tomboy, but the desire for sexier, more feminine clothing was just lurking beneath the surface. The moment sexy, fashionable clothing became available in my size, I became quite a clothing whore.

In the past few years I’ve become a girly-girl, rarely seen out in pants, let alone the overalls of my past.

Most recently I’ve discovered a craving for tight, corset-style wear and fishnet. Luckily some less-revealing corset-type tops are designed for street wear. My heart is happy; my wallet and closet beg to differ with me.

Do I have a desire to push the limit and get really fetted out and go grocery shopping? No, not really. But sometimes my street clothes just seem far too boring for a coffee out with friends, or a casual dinner at a restaurant.

Who knows, maybe the day will come when my fet wardrobe and my day-wear will merge.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

To Thine Own Self Be True...

2007-07-01T12:17:00.000-07:00

As someone who never has (and never will) live up to any fashionable definition of beauty, I long ago learned to find my beauty in many diverse ways and through that, the unique beauty that exists in every individual.

As LeatherTbird notes, it's no coincidence that the fashion and beauty industries choose to idolize a physical standard that only reflects about 3% of the population. After all, how better to ensure a large market for your products?

If, indeed the majority of us were happy with our looks we would not desperately throw away money to change the way we look, and so, money is to be found only by first creating a desire for change, and then by offering, at great cost, ways to strive to reach that unreachable ideal.

More and more, as I exercise my artistic eye through my photography I expand my concept of beauty. One of my favourite photos taken just days ago is of a homeless man sleeping on a bench in the rain.

The strength of will it must take for someone to stay alive in such appalling living conditions far outshines the un-groomed hair and grubby mis-matched clothes. There is, in such strength and in such vulnerability, a stunning example of what humans are made of.

That is truly what I call beautiful.

Beauty is not in wearing a certain size, or having a particular shade of hair. Beauty is not in the shape of your breasts, or the number of inches to your penis.

It's not muscle definition, skin tone, eye colour or a lack of scars or wrinkles...

Truly, beauty is in how you feel about life, what you do about life, and about how you move through each precious moment you have.

The most amazing thing about beauty is not that it resides in the eye of the beholder, as we so often blithely quote, but that it resides in the heart of the believer.

When we finally believe in our own beauty then suddenly those around us will believe in it too.

Such belief is like rich soil to a plant. It nourishes and encourages continual growth and well-being.

Our sense of beauty is a garden that we must tend and maintain. But not through hair dyes, make-up and plastic surgery. Through good deeds and good attitudes, through good friends and good living…

The title of this blog post is of course, a Shakespeare quote from Hamlet...and as I begin, so I'll end...with another quote from the same play.

What a piece of work is man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals! - Act II, Scene II.

Believe...

You Can Play Along At Home!

2007-07-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

I got tagged on another site to do 7 Random Facts about myself. I'm going to post them here, but just to be contrary (who me, contrary? Heaven forbid!!) I'm not going to tag others.

You may play along at your own discretion...but if you do, please leave me a comment so I can come read?

1. I have a tiny bit of a smart-mouth, but I love being called a good girl. (Wow, there's one no one would've guessed, huh?)

2. I went through a small medical diagnostic procedure because of a heart murmur when I was 10, and I still have a small scar on the inside of my elbow because of it.

3. I lost my virginity at a family campground with a boy I'd grown up thinking was actually my cousin. (He isn't.)

4. I don't like green peppers, and will usually pick them out and leave them in a pile on my plate.

5. I always wanted my name to be Samantha.

6. I had a crush on almost every boy in high school, and most of the male teachers too.

7. My favourite artist of all time is Michael Parkes. (See photo...)

And one free one just to make up for the fact that I'm not going to tag a bunch of other folks:

When I was 15 I went around telling people I really came from Venus not Earth, just because I liked messing with their heads.

(Oh goodness, now that was just plain embarrassing!)

Happy Canada Day!

2007-06-30T12:33:00.000-07:00

A little project of love I'm working on.

Hope everyone is having a lovely Canada Day long weekend.

Pass The Rope, Please!

2007-06-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

It’s amazing what fun can be had with a little soft white rope and some leather cuffs.

And it's kinda funny how tying yourself up while someone watches lustfully can be as evocative as holding out your wrists in passive surrender.

Ironic too, that after years of having gags as a hard limit, I felt it imperative to slip a length of the rope into my own mouth.

It just felt right somehow. Especially after seeing the grin spread across his face...

(Mmmmm...)

Sometimes a little bit of soft bottoming can unexpectedly bring out the sub in me…

Can’t complain about hearing the words good girl again either.

::contented sigh::

Delicious!

2005-10-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

First a bondage device, and now a breast clamp made from a lovely iron bar..so cold, so heavy...so tight!

Ahhh, heaven!

Yummy Surprises...

2005-10-16T20:37:00.000-07:00

What a lucky little 'toy' I am.

T.R. surprised me with a homemade door bondage device, all painted black and looking sharp and nasty with beautiful silver fittings.Once he had me securely at his mercy, he pulled out a brand new crop...The old one is getting 'limp' and we've been talking about getting a new one.

He snuck off while I was at work and picked one up because he wanted to surprise me. He really knows how to make his 'toy' smile.

Thanksgiving...

2005-10-10T20:39:00.000-07:00

It's Thanksgiving in Canada, and time to count my blessings.

I'm thankful for my health and my family, and all the wonderful kink friends and events in Vancouver that make my life meaningful and fun!

And I am especially thankful that I seem to have found the man who may very well earn the name Master. If someone had tried to tell me 6 months ago that a newbie dom could convince me (without trying) that he could own and control this intelligent, strongwilled, deeply submissive woman in such a loving, joyful, but firm way...I would've argued the point to death.

The future is brighter than it has ever been...

Mmmmm....

2005-09-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

Chains on the bed. Blindfold, cuffs and ropes always handy...

::sigh::

I'm a very, very happy submissive...and an even happier woman.

A Beginning?

2005-09-13T20:42:00.000-07:00

Things continue to go well with the new man in my life. We seem to have the same perspective on things and communicate freely.

I'm a pretty happy girl, with a very hopeful heart...and a huge crush.

::grin::

Meeting T.

2005-08-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

3 months ago I met a local man who wanted to further explore dominance. He'd dated a submissive many, many, years ago (pre-internet), but ended up in a vanilla relationship.

That vanilla relationship ended a few years ago, and now he is seeking to re-discover that dominance.

At first we agreed to be just friends. I have had my share of tentative-doms, newbie-doms, and vanilla-with-a-kink-chaser dates. I need to submit. I need someone who isn't afraid to take control.

Someone who isn't afraid to allow me to be who I really am. Someone who doesn't get freaked out that I need to be on my knees sometimes.

Two weeks ago we succumbed to overwhelming chemistry; since then my heart has been racing, my knees are perpectually weak, and I have lost all doubt that this man is all the dom I could want.

(Hell, he allowed me to give up my side of my bed for him...How much more dom do I need? ::laughing::)

I don't know where this will go...but for now I have no desire to explore anything with anyone else.

The blindfold has come out of the drawer, the chains are back on the bed...My heart is bursting with hope...

Happy 46!

2005-01-16T21:04:00.000-08:00

It's my birthday! Got my 46 spankings, got to do a little pole-dancing at the Taboo Sex Show...and was given a sexy, black, feather boa as a present. I'm a content and happy girl.

Poly Pondering

2004-11-16T21:07:00.000-08:00

Been thinking a little more about the polyamoury thing after a philisophical discussion with Vaughan last night.

Communal living, shared work and fun, varied sex partners, all the attention and love you need. Enough for to go around for everyone... It's a wonderful concept...much like communism and democracy are both wonderful concepts.

Humans, being what we are, tend to find all kinds of ways to screw up wonderful concepts though, don't we? Seems to be quite a collective hobby of our species.

That being said, I'd be willing to follow my dominant into the fray if he felt we could make it work, with my usual optimistic brand of scepticism.

Poly?

2004-06-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

I'm very intriqued now with all the options this poly stuff offers.

Naturally, like most people who are into this, I'm hoping we'll find some warm, affectionate, likeminded friends we can share more than just playdates with.

We know people in the lifestyle, it's just that managing everyone's schedules seems so daunting a task.

Lots of We should definitely get together and do that! but no easy answer to the question "When?"

Oh well, in its own time...

Searching...

2004-02-14T21:13:00.000-08:00

Have had a few emails lately in response to my collarme.com ad.

It's nice when doms are interested, and I appreciate enthusiasm but some of them seem to want to rush straight to obedience and nudity, and sexual overtones.

Delicious as that may be, I'm not about to become so intimate with strangers. I have more respect for myself than to just give myself away to just any one who demands it.

And more care for my safety. Emotional and physical.

::sigh::

It's not that I get offended...just that I wish they'd slow down and take a moment to let me get comfortable with them before trying to take control.

Submissive doesn't mean doormat, after all.